All these months I have wanted to hear the baby´s heartbeat. They say that once you get past 12 weeks and hear the heartbeat, the chances of anything going wrong in the pregnancy are much lower. Well, as a first-time mom, I really wanted the extra assurance that everything is okay.
Today we went to the doctor for my monthly check up and we were not expecting to get to hear the heartbeat at all. I asked when I might be able to hear it and she said next month. Then she changed her mind and said, ¨Well, why not right now!¨ I called Jairo into the exam room and we waited and waited as she looked around for the heartbeat. I didn´t think she would find it because it was taking forever and the only thing we could hear was my slow and steady heartbeat and that whooshing noise that the listening device always makes. Then, all of the sudden, there was a different sound...a much faster and softer beating that barely sounded like a heartbeat at all, it was so fast. ¨There it is!¨ she said. And there it was, our baby´s heartbeat.
At this stage of pregnancy, despite all of the symptoms you go through, it´s really hard to believe you really are pregnant. The only real proof I´ve had up until now is that positive pregnancy test, which is impressive for the first few days until the doubts set in, but then you start looking for something a little more concrete. Hearing the baby´s heartbeat for the first time was a much-needed confirmation that there really is a baby in there! It was an exciting moment, but also a scary one, as I came one step closer to grasping the reality of the change that is about to take place in our lives forever once this little one is born. But then, I did promise not to worry about things outside this stage of pregnancy, so I suppose I should just relax and enjoy the moment. I got to hear the heartbeat, which was at the top of my priorities list for this trimester, so I´m feeling pretty good about that.
It makes you wonder about all of the complex stuff going on inside you that you are completely unaware of. I was thinking about it after the appointment, and I realized that this, too, is a lesson in parenthood, even before the baby is born. Without my help or intervention, God is forming this little one inside of me. I have no control over its formation, no say in how it will all turn out, and that requires more than anything faith on my part as I wait for the day that this process reaches its completion. But even once this baby arrives, I will still have very little control over its life, safety, choices, etc. It´s amazing how many new fears arrive when you find out you´re pregnant, and I can only imagine that those fears increase throughout the life of one´s child. We have to come to a point, even in pregnancy, when we agree to give the control of the child´s life to God, who is the only one who really has control anyway. We have to recognize that ultimately He is the one in charge, and trust in Him to take care of the new life that He is forming. I´m looking forward to seeing what the baby will look like, what kind of character and personality he or she will have, which of my and Jairo´s quirks will be passed on, and what kind of things will interest this new little person. At the same time, I´m learning not to worry, because the same God who is forming this child is the one who will also lead and guide him or her. The question isn´t whether or not I can trust Him with my child´s life, because obviously there is no one more trustworthy than He is. The question is whether or not I as a mother will be able to raise this child in a way that deserves the trust that God placed in me when He allowed this child to begin to grow inside of me.
That is the main focus of my prayers for this child now, that I will be wise enough to know how to be a godly mother. I think there is something to the idea of the 40 weeks of pregnancy being just as much for the benefit of the mother´s preparation as they are for the baby´s formation. Hopefully I will be able to use this time wisely to prepare for the arrival of this baby!
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