Get-through-your-Monday Girl Time - Interview with Me

It´s Monday again, (no matter how hard you try, they just keep coming!) and that means it´s time for Get-through-your-Monday Girl Time! Well, it didn´t seem fair to make all of my mommy friends do this lovely interview and not do it myself, so here you go! I got a taste of my own medicine! I feel a little weird about interviewing myself, but hey, it´s my blog, right? I won´t spend my intro time talking myself up, since you already read my blog and you know how awesome I am! Ha. I hope you enjoy our last mommy interview (for now), with little old me! Tune in next week for some other kind of awesome girl time-y thing.
Ashley

Tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you?
My name is Ashley, I´m 28 and I´m the cool lady that runs this blog. Ha. I have been living in Ecuador for about four years, which is about how long I´ve had this blog, although at the time I´m writing this I am in the US on furlough getting ready to have a baby.

Tell us about your family.
I am married to a wonderful, godly man, Jairo, and we have one daughter who is 2 and a half and another daughter on the way (due sometime around the publication of this interview!). Our family lives in Ecuador, South America, where we serve as missionaries. You can check out our website here.

This is an interview about motherhood, but your motherhood is shaped a lot by your marriage. How would you describe your relationship with your husband?
I think our marriage is a work in progress. We have grown so much in the time we have been married. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and I was joking with my husband that I can´t believe it´s only been four years! It might sound like a bad thing when you say it like that, but it´s not. I just can´t imagine that we have lived so much in such a short time. I feel like we are both such different people than we were on the day we walked down the aisle. I think we have lived enough for a lifetime already. It´s probably because we live in such an extreme situation, being missionaries in South America, living drastically below a North American standard of living, and far away from both of our families. Every day is an adventure!

What is the hardest thing about being married?
I think the hardest thing in our marriage has been getting to a point where we put our marriage before ourselves as individuals. It´s in little things like saying ¨I´m sorry¨ even when you´re sure you´re right, or picking your battles. It´s in all kinds of personal sacrifices, which seem so big at the time. It´s in translating the love that God shows for us, unconditional, limitless, to our partner. That is hard!

What is the best thing about being married?
I think the best thing about being married is marriage…It´s the whole package. I love feeling like I have someone in my corner, and I also love having someone else to think about and dedicate my effort to. I like knowing there is someone who will love me no matter what, and that makes me want to be better so I can be easier to love. I love having a partner in ministry, in parenting and in life in general. I love having and being a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with. I like having an intimate, secret relationship with someone, and feeling like I know him like no one else does.

Describe a memory between you and your husband that really stands out in your mind.
One that comes to mind is when we had just found out I was pregnant. We used to celebrate our anniversary every month, and that month I was craving encebollado (an Ecuadorian fish soup), so we went out to a seafood restaurant and got that dish. We had no money, but we were just so happy about the baby and being together…it was a perfect day!

How did your relationship with your husband change when you became parents?
I think becoming parents made our marriage really feel real. I think when you don´t have kids, you can still potentially be two separate people, not really following that biblical mandate to become one flesh. For me, the one flesh thing came into full force with the arrival of our first daughter. We had lots of important decisions to make, responsibilities to share and we really had to learn to rely on each other as we also relied on God. I think having children deepened our relationship and helped us to grow up individually and as a couple.

How does your parenting style compare with your husband´s?
I think I am more firm, while he is more permissive. But he is more patient, and I am really working on that! I think we both have the same basic beliefs about raising our kids, so we are usually on the same page. We are a good team in that when one of us is getting to the end of his or her rope, the other comes in and can show grace to our daughter...usually!

In what ways have you changed since you became a mother?
I have become acutely aware of my flaws, and that has helped me to try to improve, although sometimes it can also be frustrating. I think I have become more patient, but I need more patience still. I think I have become more selfless, yet I can still be so selfish!

Describe a memory of pregnancy that stands out to you.
All of my pregnancies have been in some way traumatic. I joke with Jairo that my body is allergic to pregnancy. I love babies, but I hate being pregnant! My first pregnancy was traumatic because at the end I had a severe UTI that the doctor didn´t know about, so I had 10 days of labor and no baby! When I was finally induced, the labor was extremely painful, because of the UTI. (I was already in labor when that test came back, so there was nothing they could do!) Plus, I had preeclampsia. The doctors I saw in the days before she was born kept telling me I needed a c-section or I would die, etc. Traumatic.

My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage, which was extremely traumatic for me, and has really affected my outlook on my current pregnancy.

This pregnancy has been the healthiest of the three, so far! It has been more emotionally difficult for me than anything else. Raising a toddler, coming off of a miscarriage, having a million things to deal with for furlough and health insurance here in the US, not being very successful in fundraising…there are a lot of stressors this time. I´m trying to stay calm and trust God, but it can be hard! I miss Ecuador, and see Bella forgetting a lot of that side of her heritage, but I´m also glad to be here getting good care.

Describe a memory of your first weeks of motherhood that stands out to you.
I remember my first weeks of motherhood as being completely overwhelming. The thing that really helped me was leaning on other women who had been there before, usually through facebook! It was just reassuring to know that other people had been there, this was normal and it wouldn´t last forever. I think that experience was probably the seed that eventually sprouted into this interview series.

What things do you think you would do differently if you had another child in the future?
I think about this sometimes as I prepare for the new baby. I think I will know the answer as I go along, but one thing that I do think will change is that I will hopefully be a little more laid back. I think with your first you just have no idea what to expect. The second time, of course the baby is different, but some things are going to be the same. I probably won´t sleep much at first. Sometimes I won´t know why she is crying. I will be on an emotional roller coaster for about six weeks thanks to hormone levels changing. So, at least I know these things are normal, and they don´t make me a bad mom!

In what ways are your children similar to each other and in what ways are they different?
Right now the only thing I can compare between my two daughters are my two pregnancies. I think all in all the two have been pretty similar, so I am curious to see how they compare in personalities and also in looks once they are born. I always tell my husband, we could have ten kids and all ten could potentially come out very different from each other, because he is Ecuadorian and I am from the US. Bella is a good mix of both of us physically and in her personality, so it makes me wonder what the new little one will be like. This baby is very active, but unlike Bella, who was always active in response to music especially, this one seems more active in response to Bella. I think she senses when Bella is around, and gets excited. When I snuggle Bella at night, the new baby always starts to wiggle and kick, like she just can´t wait to cuddle her big sister. This pregnancy has been more exhausting than my first, but I think that has more to do with being the mom of a toddler than it does with the new baby.

In what ways are your children similar to you? In what ways are they different from you?
Well, I will soon find out about the new baby, but Bella is a lot like me. She is easily frustrated when she can´t do something the way she wants to. She loves to be the center of attention (which is actually nothing like I was as a child), but she doesn´t like to be put on the spot to perform for fear of failure (exactly like me). She loves music, which I think she got from both of her parents. She is very bright in a lot of the same ways I was as a child. She is very affectionate and loves being caressed and hugged, but only when she wants to, like me. Plus she looks a lot like me, although the shape of her face and color of her eyes are definitely daddy´s. She is very imaginative, like I was as a child. She is a total morning person, and I don´t know who she got that from, because neither Jairo nor I are morning people at all! She likes to know the reason behind the rules, like me, so I spend a lot of time explaining things.

For each of your children, share one of your favorite memories.
For Bella, the most lasting memory I have has to be of the moment she was born. I remember sort of blacking out at one point during labor. I was having back to back contractions, so I could barely even breathe between pushes. I was totally in my own world, and I felt like I was out of my body. I thought maybe I had died! It was very intense, but not a negative experience. I remember everything went dark, I don´t know for how long. (Jairo, on the other end of my black out, said during that time I totally changed and was just this pushing machine! Haha) Then I remember feeling this *BOOM* and I opened my eyes. I looked down and there she was! I will never forget the way her face looked in that moment. It was amazing. I was out of this world.

I also love getting to know Bella as a person, and keeping track of all of the funny things she says. I never would have imagined starting a quote book for a 1 and a half year old, but I think that´s when all of those funny thoughts started pouring out of her. She is a deep thinker, even if the only thing she´s thinking about is food or toys.

With the new baby, I got to see an ultrasound of her at around 12 weeks, which is something I didn´t get to do with Bella. It was amazing to see her moving around in there, so active, and so tiny! But yet perfectly formed…I could even see her little nose! It was so exciting!

Describe a moment as a mother where you felt overwhelmed.
Well, I have these moments often, so don´t be fooled! I think the most overwhelming feeling to me was being a new mom, just a few weeks in, and wondering if it would always be like this, and why no one warned me! I absolutely adored Bella, and she was a pretty good baby, but she was still a baby and babies are hard to raise, especially newborns! But somewhere around hormones leveling out and her first genuine, enormous grin, it started to even out and I felt more confident as her mother. I think confidence is a big help. Once you feel like you know what you´re doing, and you can handle it, it´s no big deal. The problem is that kids love to mix it up, and as soon as you get into the groove with one phase, they are on to the next!

What are your favorite ways to relax when you need a little break?
I love to watch a movie with a hot cup of something. Usually there is a time when Bella is sleeping and Jairo isn´t home yet. I try to keep an orderly home, so I don´t have too much to do at night. Then I can relax a little. I also like to read, but it depends on the day, because sometimes your brain is on and you want to feed it, and sometimes you want to let it rest!

What has been the hardest lesson you have had to learn as a mother?
Well, I think by far the hardest lesson for me was that our children are not our own. They are on loan to us from God, and at some point, He may want them back. Some people are blessed to have their children for their whole lives. I hope that is my case with Bella and the new baby. Some people only get a few years, months or days. And some people don´t get even that much, if they have a miscarriage like I did, and like so many people I know have. That was a real struggle with God for me. It was a giant tug-of-war.

What has been the hardest experience you have gone through as a mother? What did that experience teach you?
Well, I guess just expanding on what I said above, the hardest thing was probably the miscarriage. I didn´t get to meet my baby or hold him or her. I was blissfully happy to be pregnant, and then I was horribly crushed. The grieving process for me has been very long. This pregnancy has brought a lot of that to light. I think what I ultimately learned was to invest in my children for as long as I can, to love them and to always think to myself, ¨If this were my last day with you, what would I want to add to it?¨ Usually that includes a few more kisses and hugs, an extra ¨I love you¨, and some simple way to get a smile from that little face! I don´t think you have to go crazy every day doing some amazing thing. I just hope I can show my children every day how much I love them. And some days are better than others!! (Sometimes part of making sure this day counts is asking for forgiveness and starting over!)

Looking back on your life as a mother, what, if anything, do you regret?
With Bella, my regrets are more general. I mostly just regret the moments when I have been unkind to her, or not sympathetic enough, or impatient. I try really hard to keep that in mind and learn from it so I can have less and less regrets. Other than that, I guess I also regret just not always making the most of opportunities. But you have to be able to let those things go, and learn from them. Beating yourself up doesn´t get you anywhere, and probably really just sets you up for failure.

With the baby we lost, I regret not looking at the ultrasound I got when the bleeding started. I couldn´t do it, it was too hard, because in my heart I knew what was happening. But later I felt like I missed my one chance to see that baby. I don´t think that´s true though, because during the whole miscarriage process I had a dream where I saw a beautiful little baby boy, with a radiant little face, smiling at me from a crib, and it might sound crazy but I think God gave me that little glimpse of the baby. I guess I won´t know for sure until heaven!

With the new baby, I don´t have any regrets. Sometimes I wish I had more time to focus on her, like I did with Bella. Your first pregnancy kind of consumes your thoughts, whereas subsequent pregnancies you have other children to think about. But I don´t think that´s bad…I´m sure she knows I love her!

What do you think is the most important quality in a mother?
Patience, with a capital P. Children require so much from us. You have to be able to take a deep breath, put a smile on your face, and get through the day. Some days are easier than others. But you have to have patience, even on the best days. Patience gives us the ability to see past what would normally annoy or anger us and get to the heart of the issue.

What do you think children need most from their mothers?
Love, as defined in the Bible. Have you read that long list of what love is? (1 Corinthians 13) Love is patient, love is kind…if we were to encompass God´s love and show that to our children, I don´t think they would need much else. However, I think that love also should lead us to present the gospel to our children at every opportunity, even when they are small. They need to know why we are able to love them, and who to look to when we do it wrong. I don´t think just preaching is enough, you have to live it. But because we are imperfect, just living it is also not enough. You have to be able to love them, and also point them to the One True Source of love.

What advice would you give to other mothers out there who are reading this interview?
Be critical of yourself as a mother, but don´t be unrealistic. I think sometimes the idea of ¨don´t be too hard on yourself¨ can be an easy way out. If you screwed up today, you have to own that. Look at yourself honestly. Take an inventory. How is your heart? How is your relationship with God? With your husband? With your children? What can you do better? We should ask those questions every day. But we shouldn´t let those questions take us down a road of self-pity and despair. If I succeeded today, it was by God´s grace. If I failed, there is forgiveness. So take a look in the mirror, fix what needs to be fixed. No excuses. But don´t beat yourself up. You can´t change the past. You can only learn from it. (Lion King flashback enter here! Anyone know what I´m talking about? Ha.)

Do you have any tips or tricks that have helped you stay organized, run your household or raise your kids more effectively?
I learn from other moms. I check out blogs, I talk to my friends. I get new ideas, try new things. I try to stay organized. I´m a list person. I think whoever you are, the best thing you can do, especially if you have kids, is to get in a routine. You can´t really schedule life as a mom, but you can have a general flow that guides you and your children through the day. It´s easier for everyone if you have an idea of what to expect. And, like I said, try new things. What works for others won´t always work for you, but sometimes it will. Take what works, toss the rest.

Birth Story #2: Jane

A few days ago, my newest little cuddle bug was born! She was a healthy 9.2 pounds, and 21 inches long. She has a full head of downy-soft black hair and dark eyes. She is a sweet, cuddly baby who loves to eat!! There are a lot of people who have asked me about her birth story, so here it comes!

I started having contractions every ten to fifteen minutes daily around the end of February, about a month before my due date. When I went in for my weekly appointment I was already 2cm and about 80-90% effaced, and the doctor said she should come any day! Each week I would go in, and find out I was another cm dilated, still having cntractions, and no baby! So, I started to get very tired and very discouraged.

A few days before my due date the contractions stopped. It was a relief to be able to rest, but only made me feel that much farther from my goal. My due date came and went. I was still pregnant.

Then on March 27th I started to have contractions every 6-7 minutes. They were intense, but not awful, so I let my midwife know and sat tight. Another day passed. Around 7:30pm on March 28th I felt and heard a POP while sitting on the couch. I hopped up, expecting a gush of fluid from my water breaking,  but none came. I texted my midwife, who said it probably was my water breaking, but that the baby´s head was so low she was blocking the leak. She said to get ready and go to the hospital to get examined, and if it was labor she would be right in. She was only 20 minutes from the hospital. I started having contractions every five minutes, and these ones were keepers!

We got to the hospital around 8:15pm. The car ride was pretty calm. The contractions were strong, but I was ok. As I got out of the car another contraction hit me and it was clear that I would not be getting sent home today! Jairo and I just stood there, breathing through the contraction. A lady saw us and asked if we needed a wheelchair. We both yelled ¨Yes!¨

The guy from the lobby wheeled us up to labor and delivery. They took me right to an exam room and had me change into a gown. By the time I got changed and sat back on the bed, the contractions were unbearable, and were coming about every minute. The nurse said I was 6-7cm, and they almost had my delivery room ready. I remember thinking that if I was 6-7 then I still had a few hours, so I might die before then just from the contractions. Luckily, that wasn´t exactly the case.

About 5 or 10 minutes later someone came in with a wheelchair, while the nurses kept telling me emphatically, ¨Stop pushing! Don´t push!¨ That made as much sense to me as saying, ¨Don´t breathe¨ or ¨Stop existing¨. What do you mean don´t push??? I couldn´t stop if I knew how to try!

They told me to get into the wheelchair. I said, ¨No, no, no, no, no.¨

After seeing they were not getting me in the chair, the nurse insisted I let her check me for dilation again. (Remember, it has been, at most, 10 minutes since she checked me.) At first I said no, but I gave in because I did not want to have to get into that wheelchair and I could not stop pushing. She checked me and said, ¨She´s complete! We´re not going anywhere.¨

The room was filling with people. They kept telling me not to push. I kept pushing. I tried to breathe. Sometimes I breathed. Sometimes I screamed. I wondered how much longer I was going to last. I figured not too long. The pain was horrific.

The resident arrived. ¨How far out is the midwife?¨ someone asks. ¨20 minutes,¨ someone answers. ¨She´s not going to make it!¨ comes the reply. That made me feel better (emotionally, anyway). They think the baby will be here soon.

They get my legs in stirrups (not at all what I wanted, but who has the extra energy to fight about it?). They explain how they want me to push. Here we go! I pushed on average about twice per contraction. They wanted three pushes, but I said no. They wanted me to hold my breath for ten seconds. I usually lasted 4-6. But the minute or so between pushing was amazing. I could almost breathe again. In between contractions I was explaining what I wanted to the doctor. ¨Jairo wants to cut the cord.¨ ¨Wait to cut the cord until it is done pulsing.¨ ¨I want to hold her while you clean her off.¨ I pushed through maybe 6 or 7 contractions. Then I felt it, she was crowning. I pushed all three times. I held it all ten seconds. She was almost out. I kept pushing after they said to rest. And then her head was out. I heard Jairo telling me he saw her. (I couldn´t yet.) She was face-up, like Bella, they told me later. (¨Good thing,¨ said the nurse, ¨otherwise the resident probably wouldn´t have made it either!¨) The doctor was telling me to push out the shoulder, then the other shoulder. They gave her to me. I was so relieved. And in so much pain.

She looked so tiny. I thought, maybe 7 pounds?? They laid her skin to skin with me. She lifted her head right up and looked at me. I told her, ¨Look how strong you are! You shouldn´t be able to do that!¨ We cuddled forever and ever. The cord stopped pulsing and Jairo cut it. I delivered the placenta and they went to town trying to sew me up. They ended up moving us to a different room, because apparently triage rooms are not the best-lit places. They took a good 45 minutes to sew me up. They asked if they could take the baby to weigh her. I said yes, although I didn´t want to give her up. The nurse called out, ¨9 pounds, 2 ounces¨ and Jairo and I both said, ¨What???¨

I was trying to decide if she was Jane or Charlotte. I decided that Jane was a better fit for her first name. It means ¨God is gracious¨, which I felt was a good reflection of my birth experience. I called to Jairo, who was over with the baby while she got weighed, ¨Jairo, I think she is Jane.¨ He said, ¨I was just going to tell you the same thing.¨

During labor I was so hot and thirsty, but once I delivered I was shaking uncontrollably and so cold. I had absolutely no strength left in my body. Recovery has been much harder this time. But Jane is a constant comfort to me. She is barely four days old and this morning she woke up laughing. She smiles at me all the time. She loves to sleep in my arms and nurses like a champ. She absolutely hates getting her diaper changed and getting a bath, but she must love the way she feels after a bath because she gets super awake and content. I remember, as she was lying there with me on the delivery bed, cuddling with me, we were both so calm, and I thought this just felt so natural, so right. She always belonged with us. She was always a part of our family. And God really is gracious.

My Birth Story #1: Bella

Well, it's six months later, but for all who have patiently waited, here you go!

This birth story actually begins back at week 38 of pregnancy. On May 9th, Jairo´s birthday and Mother´s Day, I got my first real contractions. I had been having Braxton-Hicks contractions forever it seemed like, but these were different—long, tough, and close together. After several hours of these contractions, I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, baby wanted to come out! However, as suddenly as they started, the contractions disappeared. All of week 38 followed this pattern, every single day. And every day I got more and more discouraged.

We finally made it to week 39 and the contractions continued. Then on Sunday afternoon my mother-in-law came up to stay with us, to help out around the house and help us with baby, whenever she would decide to come. Early the next morning I thought my water might have broken so we went in to see the doctor. She examined me and told me that I was nowhere, and my blood pressure was very high. She said it looked like I was going to need a c-section. She ordered an ultrasound to check on the amniotic fluid, to see how much time we could wait. I was really shaken up by the idea that I would need a c-section because I had been praying during the whole pregnancy for a natural birth, but I decided that either way the ultrasound was a good idea, and then we would go from there.

We went in for the ultrasound that same day and the doctor who did it not only said the baby was fine and that I should be able to give birth naturally, but while he did the ultrasound my contractions started up again. He ordered fetal monitoring to see how the contractions were coming and how baby was managing them. Based on the fetal monitoring and the ultrasound they decided that I was in labor, and the baby should arrive no later than the next day. The assured me that from here on out my contractions would not stop, and they would eventually end in me having this baby!
We went home and prepared to meet our little one! For a while the contractions kept going strong and everything seemed to point to labor, but later that night the contractions died down again. I felt completely hopeless and exhausted. The next morning I woke up with severe pain in my lower abdomen and lower back, so severe that we decided to go back to the clinic to see what was wrong. While we were getting ready to go to the clinic the contractions came on again, this time incredibly strong. They were very close together and I could not walk or talk through them so I thought, finally! This is it! Labor!

When we got to the clinic they examined me and found that I was at 1.5 centimeters and my blood pressure was 140/100, which is pretty high. The doctor said that there was no way the baby would get through my pelvis, and we were definitely going to need a c-section. Because of my blood pressure, she wanted to do the c-section right away. It seemed like there was no chance of me getting what I prayed for, and I felt completely abandoned by God. I felt like He picked the single most important thing to me and decided to use that to totally let me down.

Jairo and I were shaken up by this news, so I decided to call two people I trusted to ask their advice. First I called my friend Becky who lives here in Quito and gave birth a few months before me. She said she would call her doctor and ask him what he thought. When she got back to me she told me that her doctor felt confident that a c-section was unnecessary and he would like to see me. He offered to do the consultation for free. I called my mom, too, and asked her what she thought. She said to do what I felt was right, but to keep in mind that either way I might need a c-section and I needed to decide quickly because preeclampsia can sometimes be serious.

I decided to go see Becky´s doctor, whose office is about 40 minutes from our house. We went home, grabbed our bags (which had already been packed for FOREVER), left Jairo´s mom with instructions on how to work the dvd player, and got in a taxi to meet Becky and Byron and go to the clinic. My contractions slowed down and we had a nice car ride with our friends, with Byron and Jairo in the front talking about advice for labor coaching and me and Becky in the back with their son Caleb talking about how much the last leg of pregnancy sucks. We got to the clinic just in time to meet with Dr. Diego before he went home for the day.

We went into his office with Byron and Becky and told Dr. Diego the whole story of what had happened up until that point. I had taken the tests from the other clinic with me, and Dr. Diego asked to see them. He barely even glanced at the fetal monitoring sheet. Instead, he turned it over and said, ¨This way these papers will be worth something¨. Then he started to draw on them! He drew a stick figure pregnant woman with a smile on her face and belly and said, ¨If you´re happy, baby is happy. You are going to have a beautiful, normal birth. Women are created to do this! The hardest thing you have to do isn´t giving birth, it´s forgetting all of the ugly lies people have told you about this pregnancy up until now.¨ He took us in and did an ultrasound and said that our baby was perfect, and I wasn´t in labor yet. Then we went back and talked about the next move.

Dr. Diego recommended that I go home and come back to the clinic when labor started. If I wasn´t sure if I was in labor or not, I just needed to go in. At this point I can´t express how incredibly exhausted I was, and how much I just wanted to be done with the whole pregnancy thing. I asked the doctor if there was any way I could just have the baby now, and not go all the way back home. After all, the clinic was pretty far away for people who don´t have a car to go every day with these stupid contractions!! He agreed to induce, but he said he didn´t want to do it until the next day. He wanted us to stay the night at the clinic and relax, because he wanted me to have strength for labor. We agreed, worked out the financial end of things, which was much more than we were prepared to pay, but we both felt like this was the place we needed to be.

The clinic had its own restaurant which was overpriced but really, really good, so we got a late lunch there and then went to the park next door to walk around and get some fresh air. Then we had a doctor come in and take my medical history and we went back to the restaurant and got a frappuccino, which was awesome. Then we went back to the room and I took a shower. After that the doula came in and gave me a massage and talked with us for a while, and then we called it a night. We decided on taking medicine to induce at 6am. The doula was sad because she wouldn´t be the one to attend my labor because her shift ended at 8am.

The medicine they gave me wasn´t pitocin, it was something less-powerful, and they told me I would probably be delivering the baby late that night, after a second dose of the medicine. I was confident that wouldn´t happen because my body had already been trying to go into labor for like 10 days. I thought a little push and I would be off and running. I was right. An hour later my contractions started, around 7am. By around 10:00am my water broke, and by about 10:30 or so I was in the birthing pool pushing. It happened really fast! I will say that my water breaking was the freakiest experience of my life…at least up until that point. The rest of labor that followed was also pretty freaky.

At this point I am going to censor most of the story because the only people who really care about mucous plugs and gushing fluids are pregnant women and new moms. Hey, if you are one of those, feel free to ask me about it!! For the rest of you, however, I´ll share the short version.

No book or website can prepare you for what labor is really like. Of course, it´s different for everyone, but also there are just no words to express the pain, the mental place you enter into, the mix of hormones and emotions, and the experience of meeting your child for the first time. But you´re reading my birth story, so I will give it a try.

The pain surprised me. I´ve experienced some pretty serious pain before (like morphine in the hospital pain, so I really mean it). But this pain was a whole different thing. I´m sitting here looking for the words to describe it and I can´t think of any. Active labor made me want to scratch out my own eyes if that would have stopped the pain. It was disorienting, desperate, incredible. What they found out when I was already pushing (which is when my test results came back), and what I didn´t find out until Bella was already born, was that I had a urinary tract infection. My previous doctor wrote off my symptoms as normal pregnancy stuff, which is unfortunate because it made for a much more painful labor. In childbirth classes they warn you to be sure to go to the bathroom every hour, because a full bladder makes contractions much more painful. So imagine that instead of full it is infected, and instead of just your bladder, it´s your bladder, kidneys, and everything in between. Fun times.

The doctor decided to give me a shot in the back to help the pain. Since it was a water birth I couldn´t have an epidural, which was fie because I didn´t want one. The shot helped a lot. I was able to regain focus enough to push through contractions, which was good because pushing took a while. That was also a surprise. The books say pushing takes from about 5 minutes to an hour. I pushed for over two hours.

When I started pushing, it only took one or two pushes before they could see her head. Normally once the head is visible you only need a few more pushes and you´re done, so everyone was really positive, telling me that I was almost there. Over an hour of pushing later, and Bella hadn´t moved. I remember the midwife saying, ¨You´re so close, any time now!¨ and I said, ¨You´ve been saying that for an hour!¨
Finally the doctor said he wanted to do an episiotomy (if you don´t know what that is, you probably don´t want to) to help Bella get out, because my medicine was wearing off. I didn´t want one but I agreed. I just wanted to be done! He explained that I would have to get out of the birthing pool, have the episiotomy, and then get back in the water, so he called for a stretcher.

This is where my memory of labor gets fuzzy. When the stretcher got there, the doctor was waiting for my contraction to end to pull me out of the tub. Right at that moment, my contractions started coming back to back. I felt like I was suffocating. I could barely catch my breath from one contraction before another one came. I don´t know how long this went on. My mother-in-law was outside waiting and she said people would go into my birthing room for whatever reason but no one would come out. Everyone was just watching. They knew something was happening. Jairo said it was like something possessed me and I just pushed and pushed. I felt like I died. I literally felt like I was dead, totally absent from my body. Then I felt some kind of BANG and it was like I came back to my body. I looked down and saw Bella. One more push and she was out.

She cried and cried, but she was so beautiful. She was perfect. All the time I was pregnant, I still had a hard time imagining that there was a little person growing inside me. But there she was, like looking at a living photograph of me as a baby. And I realized that I never knew what love was until I met her.

The only thing I want to add is that it was my dream to have a water birth, a dream that was financially impossible, but God did what he had to do to make it possible. I also spent 9 months praying for no c-section, no episiotomy, and a healthy baby, and God gave me those things. Nothing is impossible for Him!

Week 69: Seeing the bigger picture (week 38 of pregnancy)

A lot of times it can be hard to know what God is trying to say to us, probably because we´re not really paying attention. For the past five days I have had false labor, sometimes very convincing false labor, and I have felt increasingly discouraged as the contractions fade and I´m left with no baby and the feeling that the big day may never arrive. (Not to mention that these contractions are too close together to allow travel to Puyo, so we will be staying in Quito after all...a plan I am not too crazy about!) To be fair I´m still short of my due date…I have about a week to go. But what with the false labor and my doctor telling me that the baby would come early, it´s hard not to get my hopes up.

When I pray about labor, each day I get more and more desperate, and the recurring question is, God, why are you ignoring me? I´m just asking you to do what you´re going to do anyway! I know you know best, and I know there could be a lot of circumstances that I don´t understand that make it better for the baby to come in a few days or a week or more, but I can´t handle this anymore! Don´t you see that I am at the end of my rope??

And to some extent, it´s true. I feel myself hanging on to my sanity by a thread as the days wind down…everything will be fine and then some small thing happens (like today, for example, when I dropped the box of crackers on the floor and couldn´t bend over to pick them up), and reminds me that I am still pregnant and will probably be pregnant for the rest of my life, and I just break down into tears and feel completely hopeless. I get the feeling from other pregnant friends that I am not alone in this end of pregnancy desperation. And even more women who are experienced in pregnancy and labor also encourage me, telling me that they, too, suffered through this phase. The third trimester may be equal in length to the other two trimesters, but it feels a million times longer. Plus there is that anxiousness to finally meet the little person that has been growing inside you! How is a soon-to-be mom to survive the torture of waiting?

I haven´t blogged about this before now because I have been in such a terrible mood, but today I was praying and I decided that I was going to sit down and get into God´s Word until I felt better. I told God that I knew that the problem here is me, not Him, and if He is asking me to wait He has a reason. I wanted to find out what that reason was and submit myself to it, and I wanted to have peace despite the desperation.

As I said, sometimes it can be hard to know what God is trying to say to us. On the other hand, sometimes He hits us over the head with it and it is so obvious that it´s almost annoying. The latter was my experience today. I decided to do a Bible study book that I have, since I wasn’t really sure where to begin reading the Bible. (I just finished my 90-day Bible reading plan the other day, which was a huge goal of mine, and now I feel a little aimless!) I couldn´t remember what the topic was where I left off in the study because it´s been a while since I picked it up. Funny, the topic was about how God speaks to us and why He sometimes does not give us what we ask for. Ha. Nice one, God.

Well, the verse that summarizes what I learned is this: ¨Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.¨ Romans 5:3-5

Could it be possible that God is using this pregnancy, even now so close to the end, to teach me something? Could He be trying to develop in me a character of perseverance and—Heaven forbid—patience? Maybe, just maybe, He knows a little something about what motherhood is going to require of me. Maybe qualities like perseverance and patience, and not to mention hope, are things that I will need to have stores of to draw upon in my role as a mother.

Now, I´m not saying that after having this lesson rubbed in my face that I am not one of those sublimely happy earth-mother types, rolling with the contractions and whatnot. I am still pretty annoyed that I wake up every day still pregnant with no sign that labor is any closer. (Nonetheless, rationally I realize that every day really does bring me closer to labor, since labor itself is pretty inevitable.) But I didn’t say I was looking for a radical life change in my time with God today…I was just looking for something to hang onto, something to give some sense of purpose to this waiting. God is faithful, as always, and has given me that. And what´s nice, too, is that He has showed me that having me wait a little longer for the arrival of this baby is not the same as ignoring me or being uncaring or insensitive to what I am going through. He was perfectly willing to communicate with me about the situation just as soon as I was willing to listen.

I felt like He was saying to me, ¨Look. I know you better than you know yourself, and I know that patience is not a virtue you possess in high quantities. But I know your little one, too, and I know that she is going to need you to learn to be patient with her. I want you to start now. And more than that, I want you to trust me. I want you to trust my timing and my plan, and know that what I plan for you is much better than anything you can dream up for yourself. I know how hard it is for you, and I know how heartbroken you are every time the contractions fade into nothing. I promise that all this suffering is accomplishing something.¨

And you know what´s funny? All this time I was looking for these contractions to produce dilation and effacement…but God wanted them to produce something much bigger and far beyond that. He wanted them to produce perseverance, patience, trust, and dependence on Him. Oh what small minds we humans have sometimes! Still…now that I understood the lesson…any chance the baby could come tonight?

Week 69: Ready for baby? (week 38 of pregnancy)

Well, life has taken another interesting turn. My mom would say (and has said) that this is an opportunity for me to learn that now that I´m going to be a mom, I can kiss control of my life goodbye. ¨You can´t always have all of your ducks in a row¨ she tells me. I suppose she´s right. In some ways my life has been at the mercy of this little one for many months already, and it only gets more intense as labor and then life with our very own child are on the horizon, and we are learning that the best we can do is just roll with the punches.

I have had my qualms about our doctor since somewhere in the second trimester, I think. Little things that she does that I didn´t like too much...and many times I have thought about switching. Still, until recently nothing seemed like a big enough deal to switch over. I was just being too North American, I would think. Ecuadorian culture is definitely a ¨take it easy¨ culture...I am not a ¨take it easy¨ person. So there you go.

But recently there have been issues that seem less cultural and more worry-worthy to me, and when all of those isues culminated in me having a chernobyl-style meltdown that left even me reeling with surprise, I realized that something had to change. The major issues are related to pregnancy complications and whatnot, which most of you will not find interesting, but what it boils down to is that I feel like our doctor really could not care less about this pregnancy as long as she gets paid. The evidence is there, more and more with each passing visit it seems. Having all the classic symptoms of pre-eclampsia, a serious pregnancy problem which requires close observation at least, and at worst a medical intervention (inducing labor, etc), my doctor didn´t send me to get a single test done. Her response? ¨That´s probably normal.¨ She sent me to get an ultrasound, and we promptly took the results and pictures to her the next day. Then, a week later we go in to see her because my symptoms are worse and she says, ¨You didn´t get that ultrasound yet?¨ Jairo and I looked at each other, confused, and said, ¨Yes, we brought it to you last week.¨ ¨Oh really?¨ she replied, ¨I guess I forgot to write it down.¨ The exams she´s done on me to check for dilation and effacement (sorry, I know many of you are losing me now) are contradictory, indicating that she really has no idea what she´s even looking for. This doesn´t inspire much confidence, and while I realize that there are many aspects of labor and delivery that one really has no control over, one thing we can do is put our care in good hands. Of course, ultimately I know that I and our baby are in the best hands of all--God´s!! Still, we need to be responsible parents and try to do what is best for everyone.

After our last visit, I really could not handle the panic I was feeling every time we went to the doctor, my health getting progressively worse and her care of us getting progressively more lazy. I got so upset that I couldn´t stop crying...or hyperventilating. So Jairo gave me an ultimatum. ¨You need to tell me what you want to do. Whatever you need is fine, but tell me what we´re doing. You are making yourself sick.¨ Well I spent that night and the next day recovering from my meltdown, and I think seeing me so sad and quiet really freaked Jairo out. I am never quiet! Somewhere about half way through me processing all of this and trying to formulate a plan, Jairo came to me again, obviously worried and reassured me that he was more than happy to do anything I wanted, trying to get some kind of clue from me about what was going on in my head. Whatever else, I had to snap out of this zombie state and make a decision...my due date is only two weeks away, and everyone seems to think she is coming early. (I´m not convinced of that!)

Well, the next day I got up and started praying. (Something I could have done sooner.) First of all, I asked for forgiveness because my nuclear meltdown was such an obvious lack of faith on my part. My life, and the life of this baby, are in God´s hands. Our choice of doctor and hospital is important, but trusting God is more important, because when all is said and done He is the one directing our steps and He is the one who will bring this baby into the world in His time. Then I started asking for what often eludes me: Peace. Only He can give it, and I need it. And then I asked for wisdom to know what to do.

I realized that the best option is probably to go to Puyo, stay with the in-laws, and give birth at the North American hospital. It´s an idea we´ve tossed around since I got pregnant, but it just seemed too difficult since I needed monthly check ups and we´d have to spend the last month or so in Puyo. In the past few weeks we started discussing again, but it just seemed like too much of a hassle. Yet, the more I thought about it the more I thought that, despite the hassle, it was the only idea that actually made me feel secure and safe about labor. Not to mention that we will be surrounded by Jairo´s family, instead of being on our own. Another day passed and I became more sure of the idea. Yet I had this fear that Jairo was going to get mad at me. ¨Why didn´t you decide this sooner?¨ I imagined him asking me. ¨Now that I have all these responsibilities and plans here in Quito, now that everything is ready, now that we´re settled here, NOW you want to go to Puyo, just days before you give birth?¨ And, I thought, if he reacts like that...he´s right. I should have decided this long ago. In my defense, I had no idea it would turn out like this. But still...hindsight and all that.

So I prayed, and I told God the truth. The truth is that I don´t know what´s best. The truth is that I don´t know what to do. The truth is that I´m just trying to be as healthy as possible, and keep this baby as healthy as possible, and I´m not even totally sure how to best do that. But I know that there needs to be peace in my family, between Jairo and me, because otherwise everything else is pointless. So this was my request to God: If he says no, if he gets mad, I will let it go. He´s right, after all. I´ll listen to him. But if YOU want us to go to Puyo, if that´s what´s best, then let him go along with it. Let him say yes.

Yeah right, I thought. No way he´s saying yes. We´d have to leave in like two days!

He got home from worship team practice and I announced that I wanted to talk to him. He laughed. Good, I though, he´s in a good mood.

¨Okay, what do you want to talk about?¨

I decided to be direct. ¨I want to go to Puyo.¨

¨Really? Why?¨

I explained my rationale. I wanted to go to the hospital there, I think the trip really is doable, and I hate our doctor. I can only imagine those feelings will increase with the intensity of labor. It´s the only thing I feel remotely good about. Etc.

¨Are you sure that´s what you want?¨

¨Yeah, pretty sure.¨

¨Okay. Let´s go. We´ll have to leave right away. I´ll let everyone know and work everything out.¨

Do I or do I not have the best husband in the whole universe?? This whole thing went down yesterday, and last night as my husband was snoring away I said a silent thank you to God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband. And somewhere in his response I realized that in some way, just like it took him some time to really become a husband, it had taken him some time to really become a father. To think like a father. But there in that moment I realized, there is nothing he wouldn´t do for me or this baby. And I felt peace.

I think this is one of those many small sacrifices that I will be making my whole life for this little one. It´s hard for me to think of making this trip now, leaving the comfort of our home and staying with my in-laws, despite the fact that I get along great with them. They love me a lot, and I know they will be a big help to us. Still, I want to be here, in my bed, in my house, with my idea of the perfect birth. I guess this is where my mom chimes in and tells me to get over that right now, because from now on nothing is going to go according to plan. And that´s okay. I could use some help giving up control and trusting in God. But it is going to be hard to make the trip to Puyo, and even harder to make the trip back just days after delivery with a newborn in tow. But I think about staying here and I know that the right thing is to go.

Whatever happens from here on out, at least I can say it won´t be boring! And it will be a fun story to tell baby when she´s bigger, once all the ugly parts have faded into memory and become just funny little details in the bigger and much more important story of how she came to be. The story of how we loved her from before the time we even knew her, and how we tried to take care of her without really knowing how. And maybe, just maybe, seeing how hard we´ve tried, she´ll forgive us for all those mistakes we´ll make between now and then! (Well, maybe after she gets done with those teenage years...)

Week 68: Christmas in May! (week 37 of pregnancy)

These past few days I have had a lot of reason to feel like it´s Christmas time. For one, it´s cold here in Ecuador, or at least it was until today, which it shouldn´t be because technically we are in the hot season. Apparently the weather did not get the memo. I don´t mind the cold too much, especially since I´m mostly indoors nowadays, but the rain that goes along with it every day makes doing laundry a frustrating job. We, like most Ecuadorian households, do not have a dryer, so we hang our clothes out on the line to dry. My mom asked me the other day what we do when it rains every day like it has been this week. My answer? We wait.

But there are many more reasons to feel like it´s Christmas time, and they are much more fun. At the end of last week (I was way too tired to blog about it) I had my baby shower via Skype. It was pretty neat to get to see everyone and talk to them, although we got disconnected a few times. Still, when you´re a whole continent away, that´s not too shabby! Baby showers are always fun, what with the adorable tiny things and the games, not to mention the friends who I had not seen in over a year...and some that I had not seen in even longer than that. My aunt threw the shower and had the idea that people could either bring smaller gifts like baby clothes, which my parents will bring to me when they come here in just a few weeks, or if they wanted to get us a bigger item they could give a gift of money with a card telling how they would like us to use it. The majority of people just said to use the money however we most needed it, although a few did have me get specific things from my registry. I think it was a great idea considering the fact that logistically presents are just so difficult to transport to us. I wasn´t expecting a lot of money or gifts, mostly I was just excited to see everyone and get to share our excitement with them. Nonetheless we got quite a few really adorable gifts (like a tutu and a homemade quilt) and quite a bit of money, too. I felt incredibly blessed that so many people wanted to be a part of our daughter´s life and also amazed once again at God´s provision...I shouldn´t be so surprised every time God comes through for us for this baby since that was part of the bargain I made with Him about this little one, but I´m only human, I suppose.

Well, these days following the shower Jairo and I have done some shopping for the baby, picking up the essentials that we were missing and a few fun non-essentials as well. I´m trying not to buy too many clothes because my mom is bringing a bunch with her and also I don´t know how big this baby is going to be! Plus, there´s always the off-chance that those ultrasounds were mistaken and then what will we do with all of these girl clothes? Jairo assures me that we will have plenty of opportunity to buy anything else we might need once the baby arrives. So close to the end of the pregnancy, it´s really just nerve-wracking when you have everything pretty much done and there´s nothing to do but wait. Still, these little shopping trips have been fun and have given me a distraction to get through these last days!

So as if that were not enough, today we went to the post office (an uncommon adventure for us...and an all-day event, unfortunately) and were rewarded for our efforts with four packages!! One was a package for Jairo´s birthday, two were packages of baby related items, and one was a package from a dear friend of mine for me and baby. It really did feel like Christmas! Jairo and I were especially impressed by the tiny little baby socks that came in one package from my parents. I can´t even imagine a foot that small...but I suppose very soon I will be intimately familiar with two of them.

I spent the rest of the evening washing all the new baby clothes we got in the mail (and I am still amazed that such tiny clothes can fill up my line so quickly!), putting away the few baby things we bought while out and about, ironing the crib sheet and blanket (I had just washed them and they were beyond wrinkled), cooking burritos for my husband who had never tried them before, and clearing out the memory cards so that there is plenty of room for baby pictures. I was hoping to finish up my hospital bag and baby´s hospital bag, but there are only so many hours in a day.

Pregnancy-wise I have been okay, not great, but I´m not sure if it´s the pregnancy that is getting me down or if it´s the flu my husband gave me. The beauty of marriage is sharing, right? I´m pretty sure the immense swelling of my feet and hands is purely pregnancy, though. We´re getting that checked out tomorrow, just in case. Baby is as active as ever and, although I have frequent contractions, I have trouble believing that she´s going to come out. I feel like I´ve been pregnant forever, and I don´t see any real progress towards labor. I suppose it will come like a theif in the night. Or something like that.

Other than that, life is moving forward and I am trying to imagine how different this scene will be just a few weeks from now. Jairo and I are so happy lately that I can only hope that baby´s transition into our family is made easier by our happiness, and not that our happiness is made less happy by the transition. Selfish, I know. Until now we have never really been inclined to share much of ourselves as a couple with others, being a fairly private couple. Even the things I put on this blog are generally surface-level kinds of things, and my own thoughts which I tend to not ever keep to myself. What will it be like to let a third party into our little world? For now I can only wonder. Still, it will be nice to have my figure back...or at least normal-sized feet for starters.

Week 67: A recap of this week (week 36 of pregnancy)

Today is Thursday, and it´s the first day all week that I´ve actually gotten something done. It´s interesting, too, because each day of this week has been worse than the day before, making this day the worst day of the week so far. I feel like I might just drop over unconscious at any moment, so I thought I would try to get at least one blog entry done for this week in case the weekend follows the trend of each day getting worse and I have absolutely no energy or will left!

I´m at the tail end of my pregnancy, week 36 (almost 37) out of 40 give or take, and as far as I´m concerned, my due date cannot come fast enough. This whole pregnancy has been a difficult one for me. I realize that many women have even more difficult pregnancies, with months and months of total bedrest or hospitalizations, etc. so I don´t want to complain too much. I have only been ordered on ¨partial¨ bedrest for the past few months, which here in Ecuador is not that restrictive. I am supposed to stay home as much as possible, and not do anything more than moderate work. I can wash the dishes, for example, but I´m not supposed to take out the trash. (Not like I take out the trash anyway...) They put me on partial bedrest in the first trimester for a while because of some cramping, but that went away and so did the bedrest, and I felt pretty good until the end of the second trimester. Then I developed some high blood pressure, but not really high, just enough for them to put me back on partial bedrest. This doctor´s visit I found out that my blood pressure is officially back to normal, but I have been having really frequent contractions and lots of cramping and my doctor is worried I will go into labor early, so I am supposed to continue with the bedrest until 39 weeks. Just a little longer...

Still, this week bedrest has been more of a self-imposed treatment...I have the habit of doing too much too soon because I get so restless ¨resting¨, but this week even I have not been asking to get out of the house. I have been in a lot of pain, especially lower back pain (and of course the contractions) to the point that I cannot even lie down comfortably. There is literally no way to get comfortable for even 5 minutes. Last night was the worst night yet, and neither I nor Jairo got any sleep at all. It was like those torture scenes on tv where they give you drugs in one arm to make you fall asleep and drugs in the other to make you wake up to intense pain...that was my night. I would fall asleep from being so exhausted only to wake up 5 minutes later gasping from pain. Thank God for my incredibly patient and compassionate husband who gave me back massages off and on from about 2am until about 5:30am.

Apparently this discomfort is caused by the baby being really low, or as the ultrasound guy said the other day, ¨stuck way down there¨. I suppose it´s nice that she is getting ready to come out...that gives me some hope. Still, I wonder to myself how in the world I will have strength for labor if this keeps up...I don´t even have the energy to walk around my apartment.

I am tutoring a teen from our church in English for an army entrance exam, and today was the second day that I tutored him. When Jairo woke me up to tell me that this guy had arrived, I could not stop crying. Jairo was going to send him home, seeing that I was completely hysterical, but I felt bad that the kid had come all this way for nothing so I got up and got changed and ready, crying the whole time. I was so completely exhausted that I couldn´t handle the idea of even being awake, let alone trying to make sense enough to teach someone. I got calmed down and got the class done, and hopefully it made sense, and then I figured that while I was up I would try to do something productive, since the crying spell was over anyway.

I was a little productive. I washed the dishes that were piling up (all of them!), washed 2 loads of clothes (but Jairo hung them up...I´m not that ambitious), made dinner (fajitas...definitely worth the work), made gatorade (from powder...my new best friend), and downloaded some pictures that Jairo needed for a design he´s doing. I was trying to understand when in my life I accepted this kind of activity as ¨productive¨ and then I remembered...oh yeah, somewhere around 7 months pregnant.

I have two new fears about this pregnancy, or actually about labor, that I never even considered before. First of all, with all this talk from the doctor about the baby coming early, I am really worried she will come late. Here I am expecting her to come about a week before her date, and what if she comes at 41 weeks or more? I think I would literally lose my mind. I keep dropping subtle little hints to the baby, like ¨the exit is in a downward direction¨ and ¨please oh please be born soon!!¨ Ok, maybe not that subtle.

The other fear I have is one I already mentioned, that I will have absolutely no strength for labor. I really do not want drugs, and I especially do not want a c-section. It´s not that I´m especially against epidurals and other medicines, it´s really just that we don´t have the money for extra interventions in labor, and I also just prefer a natural birth.

I have this list of 6 signs that labor is coming soon, soon being about 2 weeks or so, and according to the teacher once you have 4 or more it is time for your hubby to stay close. Not like never leave the house close, but definitely never leave the city close. Well I have four, which means absolutely nothing more than what we already know: sometime in the near future, this baby will be born. When? Who knows??

I decided early on that I wanted to memorize Scripture for labor, and I chose Psalm 91 for Jairo and I to memorize together. I also wrote down a lot of other good verses in a pretty little notebook that I plan to take with me to the hospital so that Jairo can read them to me or I can read them, depending on what works. But I wanted to have one memorized, to give me something to focus on. We worked on it a lot in the beginning, and then kind of slacked off near the middle of pregnancy. The other day I was at church with Jairo for a worship team practice, which I decided to go to because I felt pretty good and wanted to get out of the house. Well, that was a mistake. It wasn´t too far into the practice that the contractions hit. I was sitting, so I decided to get up and walk, since braxton-hicks contractions usually ease up if you change activities. Well, the contractions went away but then I felt this incredible pain in my lower back as the baby´s head crushed some nerve in my body or my spinal cord or who knows what. So I was left with a choice...contractions sitting down or shooting pain walking around. I was more scared of the contractions so I decided to walk around, and realizing that I had about 3 more verses to memorize in Psalm 91 and labor could literally be any day, I grabbed a Bible and started memorizing. It was an ok distraction for the most part, although there were a few moments where I would sort of double over for a second and try to compose myself from the pain getting stronger, and in those moments there is really no good distraction. Well, I got the Psalm memorized really well, because I was too scared to sit back down until the end of practice. I was proud of myself that I didn´t cry a single tear until I got home.

Well, I asked Jairo to take me with him to church tonight and he promptly refused...I think ¨no¨ is going to be the standard answer until after baby is born. He´s only going to do some kind of instrument installation thing so he won´t be gone long, and I would have been really bored anyway, but in some way despite knowing how much I really need the rest, it kind of just seems pointless anyway. Here or there, I am not really able to rest. So I´d rather just be doing something. Otherwise, these last few weeks are going to go even slower!

Anyway, that is my week in a nutshell up until now. I still have to make Jairo´s birthday present, and I am currently about 10% done and have only 3 more days, so I´m wondering what kind of miracle to pray for so that I can get it done on time. I already gave in and had Jairo pick out a cake mix rather than make a homemade cake, so I´d like to do at least one thing well!!

I think I will take a shower, which seems to be a nice pain reliever until I turn off the water, and then I will probably try to sleep...which might work for a few minutes. Hopefully I will get enough minutes in there to not be traumatized merely by waking up! Jairo´s looking pretty tired, too...I bet he´s just as ready for this baby to come as I am!

Week 66: Wanted: Motivation (Week 35 of pregnancy)

I don´t know if this is true of all or many pregnant women, but lately I have personally found that I have two instincts warring inside of me all day long. First, there is the nesting instinct. (Jairo loves to tell me I´m nesting, mostly because he loves to laugh at the idea of me making a nest for our new baby.) This instinct is powerful, and if ignored leads to extreme restlessness. It is, of course, the so-called ¨burst of energy¨ in the weeks before labor that prompts a woman to do things ranging from normal to insane in order to get ready for baby. Now, what alphabetizing the contents of the fridge or sweeping ten times a day has to do with preparation for a baby, I have no idea, but the instinct is there nonetheless. Apparently this instinct exists in all female mammals. For example, a female rabbit will tear out her own fur in order to line a nest for her little ones before they are born. I have not yet torn out my hair for nest-making purposes, although for other reasons I am tempted once in a while. But that´s another story.

The other instinct, however, is that of self-preservation. This is the instinct that tells you to just take it easy. It´s the one screaming at you that nine months pregnant is not the time to be on your hands and knees scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. It´s that little voice that says, ¨Why in the world did you think you could climb up onto a chair and reach that box at the very top of the closet to organize it at 6am??¨ Interestingly enough, this particular little voice sounds a lot like my husband. Not to mention all of the literal voices telling you, ¨Get some rest! Save your energy for the big day!¨ etc. I like how people think that energy is something you can save up, like there is some kind of bank somewhere that is going to give me dividends if I invest my energy for one month leading up to labor. If that really worked, women would do exactly that...they would do nothing but stay in bed for a month and then on the day of labor they would push that baby out so fast with the saved up energy and interest that labor would be a walk in the park.

Still, the self-preservation instinct is also a motherly instinct, because as a pregnant woman you become more and more aware that taking care of a child begins long before birth. Poor choices in pregnancy can lead to problems for mom and baby, so it does pay to be prudent.

Well, obviously, these two instincts are often in direct contradiction of each other, which makes for a confused mommy-to-be. And believe me, what with the surging hormones and the forgetfullness, mommy was already confused. So what is a pregnant girl to do?

Today, for example, I have a whole list of things I want to accomplish. The majority of them are not baby related at all, mostly because everything that I can do for now has been done a hundred times. I don´t know how else I can organize the baby clothes, or how many times I can take out the stroller and practice folding, unfolding, etc. My doctor has no desire to see me until week 37, so I don´t have much hope on the horizon for new baby-related activities at least until then.

One of the things on my list is to work on Jairo´s birthday present. The project itself is not difficult, but I know better than to trust my fluctuating energy levels, so I am trying to do it little by little. Jairo left early this morning, so my big plan today was to get up when he left and start in on the project right away. Well, I did get up when he left, thanks in large part to the construction my neighbors have going on which apparently involves a lot of hammers, but I did not work on the gift. I ate, first of all, because there was just no avoiding that. These days I am hungry even when I´m full, so eating small meals and snacks all day long is pretty much a custom around here. (In my defense, most of these foods are fruits and veggies, since I try not to keep junk food in the house...out of sight, out of mind!) Well, I ate, and I fed the rabbits, since I thought it only fair that we all eat together. Then, since I was still so tired that I couldn´t see straight, I came back to bed, but thanks to the neighbors could not sleep. I then decided to check my email and was delighted to see that several friends had written me, which is always a nice pick-me-up when one lives on another continent. So I spent some time replying to them and then decided that I would write this blog entry. Not exactly the productive morning I had planned, but my self-preservation instinct is basking in the glory of its victory.

So, now I am faced with the following options: I can work on the project in the two hours or so that I have left until my husband comes home, I can do all of the other things on my list until my husband comes home, or I can sleep...the hammering seems to have died down for the time being. I´m really leaning towards sleeping. (Listen to the sound of cheering coming from the self-preservation crowd!) I mean, you never know...maybe I will earn some kind of interest on resting...It can´t hurt to try, right?

Week 66: Fifteen Months Married (Week 35 of pregnancy)

We actually had our fifteen month anniversary last week, but we celebrated it today. We always like to do something special every 24th, even if it´s just something small like getting ice cream. This month we decided in advance that we were going to get a movie to watch at home and make fried fish with rice and patacones (fried plantains). That´s why we waited until today to celebrate, in order to have enough time.

I was thinking today about the beauty of living every day life with someone that you love. I was also thinking about the importance of laughter as an ingredient in that daily life. Lately I have noticed that Jairo and I have spent a lot of our time making each other laugh, and I think there is a direct correlation between that and how nice our marriage has been lately. Of course, there are always ups and downs, but I feel like lately we have been doing really well. It´s surprising, too, because our stress level is really high these days. My pregnancy is quickly approaching its big day, and that brings with it lots of stress as we try to get ready for baby, and getting ready involves so much more than just shopping! There are so many emotional aspects, for example. And in my case, the hormones currently surging through my body at record levels only add to the stress of that preparation as worries often turn in to tears. That, in turn, adds to Jairo´s stress level, while he is also dealing with all of those outside stressors of the ministry and of providing for his family.

Still, with all those things to stress about, when we are together, there is calm and genuine happiness that in other, less stressful times was not present. I think the key is laughter. Of course, there are many other important ingredients. But I think when you realize that your spouse is your teammate, and you are both trying to get to the same place in life, that´s a good common ground to let some things slide and just be silly once in a while.

I think it´s also good to tell each other once in a while why you appreciate one another. The other day Jairo and I were talking and I was expressing my feelings that being a wife, and soon a mother, is great, but sometimes has me feeling like I am on the sidelines while Jairo gets all of the action, so to speak. Jairo seemed genuinely surprised by this and started telling me how important what I do as a wife is for him to be able to minister. He told me, ¨I could not do anything that I do now if it weren´t for what you do here in our home and what you do to help me.¨ I replied that of course he could, to which he responded, ¨No, really, I couldn´t do any of it.¨ He went on to list all of the things I do for him on a daily basis and their importance to him, which I had never even begun to think of as important until now. So my point is that it doesn´t hurt to share those things once in a while, because we never really know what we mean to others if they don´t express that to us.

But to be honest, I am really thinking that laughter is the key ingredient to all of this. I have mentioned before that one thing I really love about Jairo is that he will do anything, and I mean anything, to make me laugh when I am sad. His specialty in my saddest moments when nothing else works is an impression of Steve Erkel. It gets me every time. On the other hand, when I want to make him laugh I do all kinds of crazy dances, which always makes him laugh, no matter what. It has become about 100 times more effective since my belly became a planet and I look that much more ridiculous. We love to laugh with each other and at each other, and I think that those moments are what make the hard times worth putting up with.

Although a close second would be this: Today after our celebration we were both on our respective computers doing our respective work and feeling contented to be close together, working in silence. He closed his computer, signaling that it was about time for him to get ready for church, and so I left what I was doing and we just laid there together for a minute and cuddled, and I thought, this right here is exactly why I got married. Two minutes of holding the whole world in your arms and none of the other silly things in life seem to have much significance.

Here´s to fifteen months of learning to laugh and learning to appreciate the simple moments in life! Soon we will be learning all over again when our little one comes...I have a feeling that those first few months are going to require even more sense of humor!

Week 65: A miracle week (week 34 of pregnancy)

Okay, miracle is a strong word. But something must have happened that I was unaware of. (At this point in my pregnancy, that doesn´t really surprise me.) My husband is always very caring and responsible, as well as affectionate, but once we got married and got so busy, I noticed a decline in his romantic gestures. Once I got pregnant, he got even busier because I was no longer around to help him, so the trend continued.

Now, I´m not saying my husband is never romantic or never does anything sweet. He does. He does a lot of very thoughtful things, one of my favorites of which is when he goes grocery shopping for me and brings me home all kinds of surprises. This week I commented to him that he never buys me flowers anymore. I think these comments are usually fueled by tv commercials and things of that nature, and are never really serious complaints. It´s more like I see it on tv and say, ¨Hey, that reminds me...¨ Jairo knows enough to know that those kinds of comments are usually just me being random, so neither of us pay to much attention to those moments. Which is why it surprised me that the next day when he got home from grocery shopping bearing many yummy treats for me as always, he also came home with a bouquet of roses! White and red roses, since he knows how much I love white roses.

Now, that was romantic gesture enough to last me a while. I´m really not that demanding when it comes to things like that...just once in a while I like to know that those feelings are still there. So I was all set. Then this morning someone called us at 7am, and afterwards I couldn´t get back to sleep. I really hate when people call before noon. It´s just so hard to get good sleep these days, and I wake up all the time to go to the bathroom, change positions, eat, etc. that I like to have the freedom to get some sleep. I can probably forgive anyone who calls after 10am, depending on the night I had, but 7am was enough to give me some violent day dreams. Jairo couldn´t get back to sleep later, so he got up. I heard him in the kitchen and wondered absentmindedly what he was up to as I tried hopelessly to force myself into REM. Then in comes Jairo to serve me breakfast in bed! As if that were not enough, he goes back to the kitchen and washes the dishes. All of the dishes. There were a lot of dishes.

Now, I´m not sure if I did something good without realizing it, or maybe the planets are all aligned (although I think that supposedly is going to usher in the apocalypse, so maybe not) or what happened, but I could really get used to this! I´m trying to think of a good way to return the favor, factoring in my lifestyle of forced rest...I´m not sure what kind of gesture I will come up with, I think he definitely deserves something special after all of these nice things he´s doing for me! I think I´ll try to get some sleep first, though.

Week 65: The big mystery...solved! (week 34 of pregnancy)

We have been waiting patiently for another chance to see our little one, but my doctor is of the philosophy that ultrasounds are unnecessary except at 5 and 9 months. I personally believe they are justifiable at least once a week, because I just love seeing that little person in there! Still, I have waited and waited.

My mom wanted us to try to find out the sex of the baby before she sent out the shower invitations, so we decided to go ahead and get an ultrasound on our own. I have been pretty sure this baby is a boy since the beginning of my pregnancy, which means that I´ve had that idea for about 8 months! Imagine my surprise when the doctor told us that it´s a girl!

¨Are you sure?¨ I asked him, stunned.

¨Yep.¨

¨Like, really sure?¨

¨Yep.¨

A girl! What a surprise! My mom is ecstatic...apparently she has lots of friends who have had girl babies, so she´s probably tearing into the baby clothes as we speak.

To be honest, I wasn´t sure what to feel. In the beginning, even before I got pregnant, I wanted a girl first. Mostly to be sure I get at least one. After all, what mom doesn´t want a daughter. Still, 8 months thinking you are having a boy makes it an adjustment when you find out how long you´ve been wrong!

Jairo wasn´t actually surprised. Sometimes it drives me crazy how calm he is about this pregnancy. I sit here and worry about labor, the baby, life once baby is born, and Jairo´s just thrilled to be a dad. I think his approach is better, but I seem to be incapable of not worrying. Maybe it´s because during pregnancy and labor dad is more of a spectator, until baby is actually born. But anyway, I was really surprised. We haven´t even thought about girl names.

Still, the idea of all those adorable pink things is starting to get me excited. I can´t help but shake the feeling that maybe the ultrasound is wrong, so I´m still buying mostly neutral things for now, but my mother-in-law already started on the dress to bring our little girl home in. I joked to Jairo that he better be ready to run to the store to pick something up in case it´s a boy, though!

Week 64: Is resting more even possible at this point? (week 33 of pregnancy)

Well, I went to the doctor for my monthly checkup only to be told that I needed to rest more. Apparently my blood pressure is a little high.

Rest more? More? Is that even a possibility?

Okay, I know it is possible because I´ve heard the bedrest horror stories, but come on. I was not exactly accepting the idea of rest with much enthusiasm before. And now I need more rest? What do I even do in a day besides house chores and this blog? All of my current activities are pretty inactive ones tailored to this idea of getting rest, highly encouraged by my doctor and my husband. I work on different ministry things on the computer, so besides an impending case of carpal tunnel I think that´s fine. I sometimes sew, but that I do sitting down. I make bracelets and other crafty things, again, sitting down. My chores are limited to what my husband thinks is appropriate based on his idea of resting, so I only do the easy things like cooking and washing dishes. I wash the clothes, for example, but Jairo hangs them up on the line. So really, more rest?

The only thing I really get to do every day that is not resting is go on a walk with Jairo around the neighborhood. Even that I don´t get to do every day, because Jairo won´t take me if I´ve been complaining of pain or contractions, for example. I know he´s just trying to take care me and the baby, but it still annoys me how much everyone treats me like I´m so breakable! Okay, maybe I am a little fragile at this point, but I just don´t think we should exaggerate the fact.

This is one of those cases where I have to submit to my doctor (and husband...enforcer of my doctor´s commands) for the good of the baby if not for myself. The reality is that I cannot take care of the baby if I don´t take care of me, because we are so interconnected. So, while it generally involves much sighing and rolling of the eyes, and occasionally a few tears when I have to miss out on activities I enjoy, I do try to rest. After all, resting will never be as easy as it is now! Soon I will have a little one to look after, and once I´ve recovered from labor no one will be encouraging me to rest! Still, I think baby and I are going to have the habit of taking long walks and getting out of the house. Hopefully baby agrees.

Week 64: It´s that time again...more reasons why I love Ecuador (week 33 of pregnancy)

I´m going to add yet another item to my list of why I love this country: Landslides.

My husband was supposed to come back to Quito on Tuesday morning, but thanks to all the rain we´ve been getting there was a landslide and the road was closed. There´s only one way from Puyo to Quito (except the one that goes in a huge circle and takes a million years), so that means we just had to wait it out until the road crew got the landslide cleared up.

Well, eventually he did get home, on Wednesday morning, and he didn´t come empty-handed. He brought me a shelf that his dad made us (which Jairo designed, of course) and a crib set for the baby which his mom made, in green, which is my favorite color. He also bought me more thread for making bracelets and he brought our laptop which has been in Puyo at the computer doctor for about 10 years...or so it seems.

Still, the best part of him coming home was just having him home! It was a long couple of days without him, and such a relief to have him here, going about all his normal activities. Life is back to normal! It seems like it was good for him to get away from the business of all his responsibilities here and hang out with friends and family. I know he would have liked for me to go with him were it possible, but I think it was better for him this way. I really was fine here, although I didn´t enjoy the experience too much, and he was able to do whatever he wanted without worrying about me for a few days, which I think was probably a relief. He did seem a little disappointed that he didn´t get to play more soccer, but I don´t think he would ever really reach a point where he had played ¨enough¨, so all in all I think he had a good time. Now he´s home, so maybe I will finally get some of that rest everyone keeps telling me about!

Week 63: Home alone (week 32 of pregnancy)

Today Jairo left for Puyo. He´ll be there for about 3 or 4 days. I would have gone with him, but since I am eight months pregnant and the trip is five hours by bus with no rests and no bathrooms, and Puyo is hot and humid, which will probably not complement my growing body too well, I will stay home. Jairo stocked the fridge and got me a few movies to watch, and being a ¨list person¨ as I am, I made a list of things to do while he´s gone, but I´m still really not looking forward to the time alone.

I think it´s a good lesson for me…Trusting God 101. Being a natural worrier, and being pregnant on top of that, I have another little list that I have not written down, but it exists all the same. It´s the list of what could go wrong. There have been landslides between Quito and Puyo recently, so Jairo´s trip is not exactly safe. It could be delayed, due to closed roads, and who knows when he´ll be home? It´s raining really hard, so he could have some kind of accident because of the bad weather—after all, those bus drivers are not exactly careful. On my end, I could have any number of pregnancy related problems, not to mention the unlikely but possible prospects of being robbed or some kind of natural disaster (they say Quito is due for an earthquake). Not to mention with my current lack of balance, I could slip in the shower and be stuck there for days until Jairo gets home and helps me up!
Okay, so I realize that this kind of worrying is a little silly. But more than that, I´ve realized that this kind of worrying is completely unbiblical. Jesus specifically commands us not to worry, because the truth that is so difficult for our human minds to grasp is that everything, absolutely everything, is under God´s control.

I think a lot about that verse that says that true love casts out fear, because fear comes from a belief that there is some eminent punishment just waiting to fall on us. That´s a paraphrase, but the idea comes down to what we really believe about God. If God is all-powerful, loving, good, and always works everything for our good, what is there really to fear? If God has ordained it, won´t He get us through it, whether it seems to us good or bad? And if He has promised to always do good to us and that He will never leave us, why should we fear? Doesn´t God love my husband much more than I do? And doesn´t He know what is best? And doesn´t He also love my unborn child even more than I do? And doesn´t He count my own life as dear to Him as well? Is He not able to protect and care for us?

Yet here I am, trying very hard not to go over my mental disaster list in the hours following Jairo´s departure. I guess it´s one of those things that´s easier said than done. This is just another one of those times that Joshua 1:9 creeps back into my mind: ¨Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.¨ Memorizing this verse was probably the best investment of 5 minutes of my whole life! We know that whatever God calls us to do, whether big or small, He will give us what we need to carry out the task. In my case, for example, there are some Oreos in my cabinet just waiting to offer me some moral support!

Week 63: Nesting (week 32 of pregnancy)

I was trying to explain the idea of nesting to Jairo. He thought the terminology was hilarious, the idea of me making a nest. It came up because I am pretty sure I have officially started nesting. I decided to use this energy to be creative, mainly by making bracelets and learning to knit. The knitting hasn´t taken too well yet, but I am not giving up. My mother-in-law will be here in just a month or so and I have already let her know that she will be giving me lessons!

Jairo was skeptical of my ability to weave bracelets, so he bought me a couple of embroidery threads (ever the supportive husband!) and said I should give it a try first. I made him several (all in the same colors since I didn´t have many options) and he was impressed that I actually knew what I was doing, so he got me some more colors. A vote of confidence from Jairo always looks like this; once he has seen good results he becomes an investor.

I also decided to institute family meal time. One meal every day we sit down at the table, no TV, no distractions, and eat and talk like humans. Jairo agreed, although switching off the TV seems to cause him some pain. He´ll get over it. It´s nice to sit down together, and we´ve had some interesting conversations, so I would say the idea is an overall success.

I did get out once this week with Jairo. We went to see Alice in Wonderland with some friends. It was Jairo´s first 3D movie, so it was fun to get to go with him. One of our friends bought the snacks, including nachos, so I was pretty happy. I´m always amazed at how much these things wear me out, but Jairo keeps reminding me that that is exactly why I have been sent to rest. Still, it was worth feeling a little queasy and exhausted afterwards, because it was really fun! It was probably my last movie theater visit for a long time, so I soaked it up!

All in all it has been a good week so far, although I am not looking forward to the end of the week when Jairo leaves for Puyo and I stay here in Quito. There´s no way I can make the trip at this point, but I´m not looking forward to being here alone for a few days. Still, I think it´s important for him to go see his family, because once the baby is born it will be harder to travel for a while. So for now I am focusing on this half of the week and picking out colors for bracelets to make while Jairo is gone. At least I will get to be productive!

Week 62: Good Friday (week 31 of pregnancy)

This week we celebrated Good Friday with a special service at church, and Jairo asked me to sing a special song with him during the service. I was pretty excited about it because it has been I while since I have gotten to sing with him (all that ¨resting¨, you know) and I really like the song we sang, too. Jairo also gave one of the messages (there are 7 on Good Friday!! But short ones...) and that´s always fun to watch because he´s so good at it.

The service was a difficult one for me. It was just too long and I am just too pregnant. Still, it was a really nice service. I just got some crazy contractions and we had to move back the special a little, which was no problem since Jairo is the worship leader, so no one even knew. I wasn´t sure I´d be able to breath enough to sing because of the contractions, but they went away. After that I was pretty tired, though, and I was relieved when we finally got home.

I had a friend of ours film the song with our new camera that some friends of ours sent to us. I was pretty excited about that because our camera broke quite a while ago and I haven´t been able to take any pregnancy pictures, which really made me sad. It was funny to watch the video and see that big belly in action!

I´m really looking forward to getting back into the things I did before, like being part of the worship team. Things like this service really remind me how much I miss it. I know it might be a while because even after the baby is born I won´t be able to just jump into everything again at once, but the idea of being able to be a part of it again is pretty exciting! Who knows, in a few years maybe our little addition will join us in music! Wouldn´t that be fun!

Week 61: Other random occurences this week...(week 30 of pregnancy)

I can think of two things worth reporting from this week, besides our anniversary, of course. The first is that Jairo has begun teaching an evangelism class to the youth, something we´ve been wanting to do for a long time. It´s always so exciting to take another step in the ministry and see God come through again and again. He has about 6 students so far, and the class is going really well. The goal is to train them and then begin weekly outreach activities, so hopefully I will get to join in on that once baby is born and I am recovered!

The other notable event of this week was the first appearance of braxton hicks contractions. To be honest, the first one scared me half to death. I had read about them, of course, but it´s something else to feel them...especially when they are generally described as ¨painless¨, which was not my experience! It wasn´t a terribly painful experience, but it was more painful than painless...if that makes any sense!

I guess this can only be a reminder that, ready or not, in a few weeks I will be thrust into labor, completely independent of my will. My body is beginning its preparations. The window of opportunity for the birth is huge, up to two weeks before and two weeks after the projected due date. You´d think that science could do better than that! I´m hoping for baby to come a little early, but then I suppose most moms probably do. Who wants to be pregnant for more than 40 weeks?? Only God knows, and I am trying to put everything in His hands and focus on those few things I can do in the meantime. I suppose I ought to get that hospital bag packed!

Week 61: 14 months married (week 30 of pregnancy)

This week is another anniversary--14 months! Time sure is moving along quickly! This month I can´t say I have any deep marriage insight to share, I am just feeling blessed as I have another reminder of God´s faithfulness in sustaining this marriage. He is the one who led us to each other, He is the one who formed the bond between us, He is the one who bound us together in marriage and He is the one who gives us the strength and love to continue building our life together.

There is still nothing that comes close to the feeling of waking up next to the person you love, realizing that God has allowed you another day to love each other and enjoy each other´s company. Add to that the joy of waking up each day to feel our little one kicking and knowing that soon we will have reason to let even more love and joy into our home, and there is pretty much nothing that can top the life we have these days. God is faithful, and the good work He began in us He will bring to completion. Meanwhile, I feel thankful once again to have someone who I love and who loves me, and to be able to celebrate another anniversary, remembering why we decided to marry each other in the first place.

Week 60: My birthday week! (week 29 of pregnancy)

This week is my birthday week! The festivities actually started on the last day of week 59, but I figured it would be better to record it all together.

Actually, the festivities started off on a sad note. The day before my birthday, Jairo woke me up with the news that Patas, our littlest bunny, had died. Apparently she somehow got stuck in some part of the cage, but we´re still not really sure what happened. Well, the fact that she was my favorite and also the tiniest of the three combined with pregnancy hormones made for a really rough morning. I cried for hours while Jairo was at church, while I was supposed to be, you guessed it, resting. I brought the other little bunny, Rabo, inside and put him in the bathroom (for lack of anywhere else to put him) because I was so terrified that something might happen to him too. Orejas is huge and could never get stuck in any part of the cage, so I let her stay where she was. Finally I decided to get up and straighten the house, since I wasn´t actually resting but crying, and that calmed me down a little. There was very little food in the house, so I called Jairo after he got out of church to ask him if he wanted me to meet him at the market. He said he would pick up a few things and be home later, and I should just ¨rest¨.

He took a while to come home and had bought very few things, which surprised me. I didn´t take too much notice of it, though. He told me to get ready to go out and we would buy a few things at the store by our house, and then he started straightening up the house. (Yet another thing I should have noticed as strange, but did not...either thanks to my emotional stupor or my pregnant cluelessness.) I accepted this idea with no thought at all and got ready to go out. I suggested that we go to a restaurant because I was pretty hungry, but Jairo assured me that there was nowhere open right now (which I bought, although it was ridiculous!) and we would buy me a snack and he would cook. (Sold!) He was acting a little weird with some random phone calls to our friend who lives close by us, which annoyed me, but I still really thought nothing of it. I was focused on that snack he promised me.

When we got home I stopped, stunned, at the rabbit cage (where Jairo had replaced Rabo before we left, assuring me that he would be fine). There was little black bunny in the cage. My first thought was that the whole thing about Patas dying had been some cruel joke (I didn´t go out to see the body or anything...I can´t even handle things like that), but then I realized that this particular black bunny was much, much tinier, like a little baby bunny, and had different fur. I stood there like an idiot, not really understanding at all until Jairo said, ¨Happy birthday! I got you a new bunny! Do you want to hold her?¨ I started to cry a little bit, but those few happy tears, not the sad, mourning tears I had cried earlier, and said ¨YES!¨ She was absolutely adorable! I had never seen such a small bunny before, and she cuddled right up to me as I held her. We took her inside and I sat on the couch, only half-noticing that there was a backpack and a jacket there that were not there before and did not belong to us. I was in some other far away bunny land, and Jairo seemed pleased to see me so happy, especially after seeing me so sad in the morning. He only let me sit there for a few seconds and then said to follow him, and when I did (totally in my own world) I almost peed my pants when a kitchen full of people shouted ¨Surprise!!¨ Only then did I notice the balloons and streamers. I´m sure a few more of those happy tears came out, because I was beyond words happy at this point, and took a seat as everyone went around the circle saying their birthday wishes to me. Then is was my turn to talk and I thanked everyone for coming and for being my friends, all the while clutching my tiny little baby bunny. Then (finally) they brought out the food. Jairo had bought enough Chinese for everyone and two ice cream cakes. Could this day get any better?

Our friends stuck around for a movie before heading out, and it was really a great day. I couldn´t stop admiring my little bunny, who lives inside in a box until she gets big enough to join the others. I am way too traumatized to put her in the cage just yet.

A few days later Jairo took me up north to get donuts, frappuccinos and read books at the bookstore, which, besides a party with my friends, was the other birthday wish I had expressed for this year. So I got everything I wanted for my birthday, plus a tiny baby bunny!

I can´t believe I´m 23. When I was little I always thought I would get married at 23, so I guess I´m ahead of the curve on that one since I´m already married and pregnant. I will be a mom at 23! I can´t believe I was married at 21, and now I´m already 23! The time passes so quickly! Still, I´m way younger than Jairo who will turn 30 in May, so I´m cool with it. Plus, I don´t really mind getting older if I get to have such a great time having a birthday!