Week 69: Seeing the bigger picture (week 38 of pregnancy)

A lot of times it can be hard to know what God is trying to say to us, probably because we´re not really paying attention. For the past five days I have had false labor, sometimes very convincing false labor, and I have felt increasingly discouraged as the contractions fade and I´m left with no baby and the feeling that the big day may never arrive. (Not to mention that these contractions are too close together to allow travel to Puyo, so we will be staying in Quito after all...a plan I am not too crazy about!) To be fair I´m still short of my due date…I have about a week to go. But what with the false labor and my doctor telling me that the baby would come early, it´s hard not to get my hopes up.

When I pray about labor, each day I get more and more desperate, and the recurring question is, God, why are you ignoring me? I´m just asking you to do what you´re going to do anyway! I know you know best, and I know there could be a lot of circumstances that I don´t understand that make it better for the baby to come in a few days or a week or more, but I can´t handle this anymore! Don´t you see that I am at the end of my rope??

And to some extent, it´s true. I feel myself hanging on to my sanity by a thread as the days wind down…everything will be fine and then some small thing happens (like today, for example, when I dropped the box of crackers on the floor and couldn´t bend over to pick them up), and reminds me that I am still pregnant and will probably be pregnant for the rest of my life, and I just break down into tears and feel completely hopeless. I get the feeling from other pregnant friends that I am not alone in this end of pregnancy desperation. And even more women who are experienced in pregnancy and labor also encourage me, telling me that they, too, suffered through this phase. The third trimester may be equal in length to the other two trimesters, but it feels a million times longer. Plus there is that anxiousness to finally meet the little person that has been growing inside you! How is a soon-to-be mom to survive the torture of waiting?

I haven´t blogged about this before now because I have been in such a terrible mood, but today I was praying and I decided that I was going to sit down and get into God´s Word until I felt better. I told God that I knew that the problem here is me, not Him, and if He is asking me to wait He has a reason. I wanted to find out what that reason was and submit myself to it, and I wanted to have peace despite the desperation.

As I said, sometimes it can be hard to know what God is trying to say to us. On the other hand, sometimes He hits us over the head with it and it is so obvious that it´s almost annoying. The latter was my experience today. I decided to do a Bible study book that I have, since I wasn’t really sure where to begin reading the Bible. (I just finished my 90-day Bible reading plan the other day, which was a huge goal of mine, and now I feel a little aimless!) I couldn´t remember what the topic was where I left off in the study because it´s been a while since I picked it up. Funny, the topic was about how God speaks to us and why He sometimes does not give us what we ask for. Ha. Nice one, God.

Well, the verse that summarizes what I learned is this: ¨Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.¨ Romans 5:3-5

Could it be possible that God is using this pregnancy, even now so close to the end, to teach me something? Could He be trying to develop in me a character of perseverance and—Heaven forbid—patience? Maybe, just maybe, He knows a little something about what motherhood is going to require of me. Maybe qualities like perseverance and patience, and not to mention hope, are things that I will need to have stores of to draw upon in my role as a mother.

Now, I´m not saying that after having this lesson rubbed in my face that I am not one of those sublimely happy earth-mother types, rolling with the contractions and whatnot. I am still pretty annoyed that I wake up every day still pregnant with no sign that labor is any closer. (Nonetheless, rationally I realize that every day really does bring me closer to labor, since labor itself is pretty inevitable.) But I didn’t say I was looking for a radical life change in my time with God today…I was just looking for something to hang onto, something to give some sense of purpose to this waiting. God is faithful, as always, and has given me that. And what´s nice, too, is that He has showed me that having me wait a little longer for the arrival of this baby is not the same as ignoring me or being uncaring or insensitive to what I am going through. He was perfectly willing to communicate with me about the situation just as soon as I was willing to listen.

I felt like He was saying to me, ¨Look. I know you better than you know yourself, and I know that patience is not a virtue you possess in high quantities. But I know your little one, too, and I know that she is going to need you to learn to be patient with her. I want you to start now. And more than that, I want you to trust me. I want you to trust my timing and my plan, and know that what I plan for you is much better than anything you can dream up for yourself. I know how hard it is for you, and I know how heartbroken you are every time the contractions fade into nothing. I promise that all this suffering is accomplishing something.¨

And you know what´s funny? All this time I was looking for these contractions to produce dilation and effacement…but God wanted them to produce something much bigger and far beyond that. He wanted them to produce perseverance, patience, trust, and dependence on Him. Oh what small minds we humans have sometimes! Still…now that I understood the lesson…any chance the baby could come tonight?