Week 69: Ready for baby? (week 38 of pregnancy)

Well, life has taken another interesting turn. My mom would say (and has said) that this is an opportunity for me to learn that now that I´m going to be a mom, I can kiss control of my life goodbye. ¨You can´t always have all of your ducks in a row¨ she tells me. I suppose she´s right. In some ways my life has been at the mercy of this little one for many months already, and it only gets more intense as labor and then life with our very own child are on the horizon, and we are learning that the best we can do is just roll with the punches.

I have had my qualms about our doctor since somewhere in the second trimester, I think. Little things that she does that I didn´t like too much...and many times I have thought about switching. Still, until recently nothing seemed like a big enough deal to switch over. I was just being too North American, I would think. Ecuadorian culture is definitely a ¨take it easy¨ culture...I am not a ¨take it easy¨ person. So there you go.

But recently there have been issues that seem less cultural and more worry-worthy to me, and when all of those isues culminated in me having a chernobyl-style meltdown that left even me reeling with surprise, I realized that something had to change. The major issues are related to pregnancy complications and whatnot, which most of you will not find interesting, but what it boils down to is that I feel like our doctor really could not care less about this pregnancy as long as she gets paid. The evidence is there, more and more with each passing visit it seems. Having all the classic symptoms of pre-eclampsia, a serious pregnancy problem which requires close observation at least, and at worst a medical intervention (inducing labor, etc), my doctor didn´t send me to get a single test done. Her response? ¨That´s probably normal.¨ She sent me to get an ultrasound, and we promptly took the results and pictures to her the next day. Then, a week later we go in to see her because my symptoms are worse and she says, ¨You didn´t get that ultrasound yet?¨ Jairo and I looked at each other, confused, and said, ¨Yes, we brought it to you last week.¨ ¨Oh really?¨ she replied, ¨I guess I forgot to write it down.¨ The exams she´s done on me to check for dilation and effacement (sorry, I know many of you are losing me now) are contradictory, indicating that she really has no idea what she´s even looking for. This doesn´t inspire much confidence, and while I realize that there are many aspects of labor and delivery that one really has no control over, one thing we can do is put our care in good hands. Of course, ultimately I know that I and our baby are in the best hands of all--God´s!! Still, we need to be responsible parents and try to do what is best for everyone.

After our last visit, I really could not handle the panic I was feeling every time we went to the doctor, my health getting progressively worse and her care of us getting progressively more lazy. I got so upset that I couldn´t stop crying...or hyperventilating. So Jairo gave me an ultimatum. ¨You need to tell me what you want to do. Whatever you need is fine, but tell me what we´re doing. You are making yourself sick.¨ Well I spent that night and the next day recovering from my meltdown, and I think seeing me so sad and quiet really freaked Jairo out. I am never quiet! Somewhere about half way through me processing all of this and trying to formulate a plan, Jairo came to me again, obviously worried and reassured me that he was more than happy to do anything I wanted, trying to get some kind of clue from me about what was going on in my head. Whatever else, I had to snap out of this zombie state and make a decision...my due date is only two weeks away, and everyone seems to think she is coming early. (I´m not convinced of that!)

Well, the next day I got up and started praying. (Something I could have done sooner.) First of all, I asked for forgiveness because my nuclear meltdown was such an obvious lack of faith on my part. My life, and the life of this baby, are in God´s hands. Our choice of doctor and hospital is important, but trusting God is more important, because when all is said and done He is the one directing our steps and He is the one who will bring this baby into the world in His time. Then I started asking for what often eludes me: Peace. Only He can give it, and I need it. And then I asked for wisdom to know what to do.

I realized that the best option is probably to go to Puyo, stay with the in-laws, and give birth at the North American hospital. It´s an idea we´ve tossed around since I got pregnant, but it just seemed too difficult since I needed monthly check ups and we´d have to spend the last month or so in Puyo. In the past few weeks we started discussing again, but it just seemed like too much of a hassle. Yet, the more I thought about it the more I thought that, despite the hassle, it was the only idea that actually made me feel secure and safe about labor. Not to mention that we will be surrounded by Jairo´s family, instead of being on our own. Another day passed and I became more sure of the idea. Yet I had this fear that Jairo was going to get mad at me. ¨Why didn´t you decide this sooner?¨ I imagined him asking me. ¨Now that I have all these responsibilities and plans here in Quito, now that everything is ready, now that we´re settled here, NOW you want to go to Puyo, just days before you give birth?¨ And, I thought, if he reacts like that...he´s right. I should have decided this long ago. In my defense, I had no idea it would turn out like this. But still...hindsight and all that.

So I prayed, and I told God the truth. The truth is that I don´t know what´s best. The truth is that I don´t know what to do. The truth is that I´m just trying to be as healthy as possible, and keep this baby as healthy as possible, and I´m not even totally sure how to best do that. But I know that there needs to be peace in my family, between Jairo and me, because otherwise everything else is pointless. So this was my request to God: If he says no, if he gets mad, I will let it go. He´s right, after all. I´ll listen to him. But if YOU want us to go to Puyo, if that´s what´s best, then let him go along with it. Let him say yes.

Yeah right, I thought. No way he´s saying yes. We´d have to leave in like two days!

He got home from worship team practice and I announced that I wanted to talk to him. He laughed. Good, I though, he´s in a good mood.

¨Okay, what do you want to talk about?¨

I decided to be direct. ¨I want to go to Puyo.¨

¨Really? Why?¨

I explained my rationale. I wanted to go to the hospital there, I think the trip really is doable, and I hate our doctor. I can only imagine those feelings will increase with the intensity of labor. It´s the only thing I feel remotely good about. Etc.

¨Are you sure that´s what you want?¨

¨Yeah, pretty sure.¨

¨Okay. Let´s go. We´ll have to leave right away. I´ll let everyone know and work everything out.¨

Do I or do I not have the best husband in the whole universe?? This whole thing went down yesterday, and last night as my husband was snoring away I said a silent thank you to God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband. And somewhere in his response I realized that in some way, just like it took him some time to really become a husband, it had taken him some time to really become a father. To think like a father. But there in that moment I realized, there is nothing he wouldn´t do for me or this baby. And I felt peace.

I think this is one of those many small sacrifices that I will be making my whole life for this little one. It´s hard for me to think of making this trip now, leaving the comfort of our home and staying with my in-laws, despite the fact that I get along great with them. They love me a lot, and I know they will be a big help to us. Still, I want to be here, in my bed, in my house, with my idea of the perfect birth. I guess this is where my mom chimes in and tells me to get over that right now, because from now on nothing is going to go according to plan. And that´s okay. I could use some help giving up control and trusting in God. But it is going to be hard to make the trip to Puyo, and even harder to make the trip back just days after delivery with a newborn in tow. But I think about staying here and I know that the right thing is to go.

Whatever happens from here on out, at least I can say it won´t be boring! And it will be a fun story to tell baby when she´s bigger, once all the ugly parts have faded into memory and become just funny little details in the bigger and much more important story of how she came to be. The story of how we loved her from before the time we even knew her, and how we tried to take care of her without really knowing how. And maybe, just maybe, seeing how hard we´ve tried, she´ll forgive us for all those mistakes we´ll make between now and then! (Well, maybe after she gets done with those teenage years...)