Ashley
My name is Ashley, I´m 28 and I´m the cool lady that runs this blog. Ha. I have been living in Ecuador for about four years, which is about how long I´ve had this blog, although at the time I´m writing this I am in the US on furlough getting ready to have a baby.
Tell us about your family.
I am married to a wonderful, godly man, Jairo, and we have one daughter who is 2 and a half and another daughter on the way (due sometime around the publication of this interview!). Our family lives in Ecuador, South America, where we serve as missionaries. You can check out our website here.
This is an interview about motherhood, but your motherhood is shaped a lot by your marriage. How would you describe your relationship with your husband?
I think our marriage is a work in progress. We have grown so much in the time we have been married. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and I was joking with my husband that I can´t believe it´s only been four years! It might sound like a bad thing when you say it like that, but it´s not. I just can´t imagine that we have lived so much in such a short time. I feel like we are both such different people than we were on the day we walked down the aisle. I think we have lived enough for a lifetime already. It´s probably because we live in such an extreme situation, being missionaries in South America, living drastically below a North American standard of living, and far away from both of our families. Every day is an adventure!
What is the hardest thing about being married?
I think the hardest thing in our marriage has been getting to a point where we put our marriage before ourselves as individuals. It´s in little things like saying ¨I´m sorry¨ even when you´re sure you´re right, or picking your battles. It´s in all kinds of personal sacrifices, which seem so big at the time. It´s in translating the love that God shows for us, unconditional, limitless, to our partner. That is hard!
What is the best thing about being married?
I think the best thing about being married is marriage…It´s the whole package. I love feeling like I have someone in my corner, and I also love having someone else to think about and dedicate my effort to. I like knowing there is someone who will love me no matter what, and that makes me want to be better so I can be easier to love. I love having a partner in ministry, in parenting and in life in general. I love having and being a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with. I like having an intimate, secret relationship with someone, and feeling like I know him like no one else does.
Describe a memory between you and your husband that really stands out in your mind.
One that comes to mind is when we had just found out I was pregnant. We used to celebrate our anniversary every month, and that month I was craving encebollado (an Ecuadorian fish soup), so we went out to a seafood restaurant and got that dish. We had no money, but we were just so happy about the baby and being together…it was a perfect day!
How did your relationship with your husband change when you became parents?
I think becoming parents made our marriage really feel real. I think when you don´t have kids, you can still potentially be two separate people, not really following that biblical mandate to become one flesh. For me, the one flesh thing came into full force with the arrival of our first daughter. We had lots of important decisions to make, responsibilities to share and we really had to learn to rely on each other as we also relied on God. I think having children deepened our relationship and helped us to grow up individually and as a couple.
How does your parenting style compare with your husband´s?
I think I am more firm, while he is more permissive. But he is more patient, and I am really working on that! I think we both have the same basic beliefs about raising our kids, so we are usually on the same page. We are a good team in that when one of us is getting to the end of his or her rope, the other comes in and can show grace to our daughter...usually!
In what ways have you changed since you became a mother?
I have become acutely aware of my flaws, and that has helped me to try to improve, although sometimes it can also be frustrating. I think I have become more patient, but I need more patience still. I think I have become more selfless, yet I can still be so selfish!
Describe a memory of pregnancy that stands out to you.
All of my pregnancies have been in some way traumatic. I joke with Jairo that my body is allergic to pregnancy. I love babies, but I hate being pregnant! My first pregnancy was traumatic because at the end I had a severe UTI that the doctor didn´t know about, so I had 10 days of labor and no baby! When I was finally induced, the labor was extremely painful, because of the UTI. (I was already in labor when that test came back, so there was nothing they could do!) Plus, I had preeclampsia. The doctors I saw in the days before she was born kept telling me I needed a c-section or I would die, etc. Traumatic.
My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage, which was extremely traumatic for me, and has really affected my outlook on my current pregnancy.
This pregnancy has been the healthiest of the three, so far! It has been more emotionally difficult for me than anything else. Raising a toddler, coming off of a miscarriage, having a million things to deal with for furlough and health insurance here in the US, not being very successful in fundraising…there are a lot of stressors this time. I´m trying to stay calm and trust God, but it can be hard! I miss Ecuador, and see Bella forgetting a lot of that side of her heritage, but I´m also glad to be here getting good care.
Describe a memory of your first weeks of motherhood that stands out to you.
I remember my first weeks of motherhood as being completely overwhelming. The thing that really helped me was leaning on other women who had been there before, usually through facebook! It was just reassuring to know that other people had been there, this was normal and it wouldn´t last forever. I think that experience was probably the seed that eventually sprouted into this interview series.
What things do you think you would do differently if you had another child in the future?
I think about this sometimes as I prepare for the new baby. I think I will know the answer as I go along, but one thing that I do think will change is that I will hopefully be a little more laid back. I think with your first you just have no idea what to expect. The second time, of course the baby is different, but some things are going to be the same. I probably won´t sleep much at first. Sometimes I won´t know why she is crying. I will be on an emotional roller coaster for about six weeks thanks to hormone levels changing. So, at least I know these things are normal, and they don´t make me a bad mom!
In what ways are your children similar to each other and in what ways are they different?
Right now the only thing I can compare between my two daughters are my two pregnancies. I think all in all the two have been pretty similar, so I am curious to see how they compare in personalities and also in looks once they are born. I always tell my husband, we could have ten kids and all ten could potentially come out very different from each other, because he is Ecuadorian and I am from the US. Bella is a good mix of both of us physically and in her personality, so it makes me wonder what the new little one will be like. This baby is very active, but unlike Bella, who was always active in response to music especially, this one seems more active in response to Bella. I think she senses when Bella is around, and gets excited. When I snuggle Bella at night, the new baby always starts to wiggle and kick, like she just can´t wait to cuddle her big sister. This pregnancy has been more exhausting than my first, but I think that has more to do with being the mom of a toddler than it does with the new baby.
In what ways are your children similar to you? In what ways are they different from you?
Well, I will soon find out about the new baby, but Bella is a lot like me. She is easily frustrated when she can´t do something the way she wants to. She loves to be the center of attention (which is actually nothing like I was as a child), but she doesn´t like to be put on the spot to perform for fear of failure (exactly like me). She loves music, which I think she got from both of her parents. She is very bright in a lot of the same ways I was as a child. She is very affectionate and loves being caressed and hugged, but only when she wants to, like me. Plus she looks a lot like me, although the shape of her face and color of her eyes are definitely daddy´s. She is very imaginative, like I was as a child. She is a total morning person, and I don´t know who she got that from, because neither Jairo nor I are morning people at all! She likes to know the reason behind the rules, like me, so I spend a lot of time explaining things.
For each of your children, share one of your favorite memories.
For Bella, the most lasting memory I have has to be of the moment she was born. I remember sort of blacking out at one point during labor. I was having back to back contractions, so I could barely even breathe between pushes. I was totally in my own world, and I felt like I was out of my body. I thought maybe I had died! It was very intense, but not a negative experience. I remember everything went dark, I don´t know for how long. (Jairo, on the other end of my black out, said during that time I totally changed and was just this pushing machine! Haha) Then I remember feeling this *BOOM* and I opened my eyes. I looked down and there she was! I will never forget the way her face looked in that moment. It was amazing. I was out of this world.
I also love getting to know Bella as a person, and keeping track of all of the funny things she says. I never would have imagined starting a quote book for a 1 and a half year old, but I think that´s when all of those funny thoughts started pouring out of her. She is a deep thinker, even if the only thing she´s thinking about is food or toys.
With the new baby, I got to see an ultrasound of her at around 12 weeks, which is something I didn´t get to do with Bella. It was amazing to see her moving around in there, so active, and so tiny! But yet perfectly formed…I could even see her little nose! It was so exciting!
Describe a moment as a mother where you felt overwhelmed.
Well, I have these moments often, so don´t be fooled! I think the most overwhelming feeling to me was being a new mom, just a few weeks in, and wondering if it would always be like this, and why no one warned me! I absolutely adored Bella, and she was a pretty good baby, but she was still a baby and babies are hard to raise, especially newborns! But somewhere around hormones leveling out and her first genuine, enormous grin, it started to even out and I felt more confident as her mother. I think confidence is a big help. Once you feel like you know what you´re doing, and you can handle it, it´s no big deal. The problem is that kids love to mix it up, and as soon as you get into the groove with one phase, they are on to the next!
What are your favorite ways to relax when you need a little break?
I love to watch a movie with a hot cup of something. Usually there is a time when Bella is sleeping and Jairo isn´t home yet. I try to keep an orderly home, so I don´t have too much to do at night. Then I can relax a little. I also like to read, but it depends on the day, because sometimes your brain is on and you want to feed it, and sometimes you want to let it rest!
What has been the hardest lesson you have had to learn as a mother?
Well, I think by far the hardest lesson for me was that our children are not our own. They are on loan to us from God, and at some point, He may want them back. Some people are blessed to have their children for their whole lives. I hope that is my case with Bella and the new baby. Some people only get a few years, months or days. And some people don´t get even that much, if they have a miscarriage like I did, and like so many people I know have. That was a real struggle with God for me. It was a giant tug-of-war.
What has been the hardest experience you have gone through as a mother? What did that experience teach you?
Well, I guess just expanding on what I said above, the hardest thing was probably the miscarriage. I didn´t get to meet my baby or hold him or her. I was blissfully happy to be pregnant, and then I was horribly crushed. The grieving process for me has been very long. This pregnancy has brought a lot of that to light. I think what I ultimately learned was to invest in my children for as long as I can, to love them and to always think to myself, ¨If this were my last day with you, what would I want to add to it?¨ Usually that includes a few more kisses and hugs, an extra ¨I love you¨, and some simple way to get a smile from that little face! I don´t think you have to go crazy every day doing some amazing thing. I just hope I can show my children every day how much I love them. And some days are better than others!! (Sometimes part of making sure this day counts is asking for forgiveness and starting over!)
Looking back on your life as a mother, what, if anything, do you regret?
With Bella, my regrets are more general. I mostly just regret the moments when I have been unkind to her, or not sympathetic enough, or impatient. I try really hard to keep that in mind and learn from it so I can have less and less regrets. Other than that, I guess I also regret just not always making the most of opportunities. But you have to be able to let those things go, and learn from them. Beating yourself up doesn´t get you anywhere, and probably really just sets you up for failure.
With the baby we lost, I regret not looking at the ultrasound I got when the bleeding started. I couldn´t do it, it was too hard, because in my heart I knew what was happening. But later I felt like I missed my one chance to see that baby. I don´t think that´s true though, because during the whole miscarriage process I had a dream where I saw a beautiful little baby boy, with a radiant little face, smiling at me from a crib, and it might sound crazy but I think God gave me that little glimpse of the baby. I guess I won´t know for sure until heaven!
With the new baby, I don´t have any regrets. Sometimes I wish I had more time to focus on her, like I did with Bella. Your first pregnancy kind of consumes your thoughts, whereas subsequent pregnancies you have other children to think about. But I don´t think that´s bad…I´m sure she knows I love her!
What do you think is the most important quality in a mother?
Patience, with a capital P. Children require so much from us. You have to be able to take a deep breath, put a smile on your face, and get through the day. Some days are easier than others. But you have to have patience, even on the best days. Patience gives us the ability to see past what would normally annoy or anger us and get to the heart of the issue.
What do you think children need most from their mothers?
Love, as defined in the Bible. Have you read that long list of what love is? (1 Corinthians 13) Love is patient, love is kind…if we were to encompass God´s love and show that to our children, I don´t think they would need much else. However, I think that love also should lead us to present the gospel to our children at every opportunity, even when they are small. They need to know why we are able to love them, and who to look to when we do it wrong. I don´t think just preaching is enough, you have to live it. But because we are imperfect, just living it is also not enough. You have to be able to love them, and also point them to the One True Source of love.
What advice would you give to other mothers out there who are reading this interview?
Be critical of yourself as a mother, but don´t be unrealistic. I think sometimes the idea of ¨don´t be too hard on yourself¨ can be an easy way out. If you screwed up today, you have to own that. Look at yourself honestly. Take an inventory. How is your heart? How is your relationship with God? With your husband? With your children? What can you do better? We should ask those questions every day. But we shouldn´t let those questions take us down a road of self-pity and despair. If I succeeded today, it was by God´s grace. If I failed, there is forgiveness. So take a look in the mirror, fix what needs to be fixed. No excuses. But don´t beat yourself up. You can´t change the past. You can only learn from it. (Lion King flashback enter here! Anyone know what I´m talking about? Ha.)
Do you have any tips or tricks that have helped you stay organized, run your household or raise your kids more effectively?
I learn from other moms. I check out blogs, I talk to my friends. I get new ideas, try new things. I try to stay organized. I´m a list person. I think whoever you are, the best thing you can do, especially if you have kids, is to get in a routine. You can´t really schedule life as a mom, but you can have a general flow that guides you and your children through the day. It´s easier for everyone if you have an idea of what to expect. And, like I said, try new things. What works for others won´t always work for you, but sometimes it will. Take what works, toss the rest.
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