30 Days to Being a Purposeful Mommy, Day 5

Day 5: Pick Your Battles, Set Limits, Say No

Have you ever heard the advice that says we should try to create a ¨yes¨ environment for our kids? Basically, the idea is that we surround young children with safe environments where there are few opportunities to get in to trouble. This way we won´t have to spend all day saying ¨no¨, which is frustrating both for us and for our children.

I think even when you follow this advice, kids are kids, and you´re going to have to set limits and say ¨no¨, no matter how old they are. Kids, like adults, are sinful, and need guidance and discipline in order to learn what is right and wrong.

That´s not to say that I don´t agree with the advice above. I do. Even Scripture says that we should not wear our children out by excessive discipline, etc. Not to mention that when we are saying ¨no¨ all day, we wear ourselves out, and nobody is happy.

We have to learn as parents to pick our battles. Is it really a big deal if the toddler wants to rearrange all of the DVDs? (A favorite activity of my one-year-old) Are you really going to be able to teach a one-year-old not to pick her nose? (Not that mine does that...) And of course, your battles will vary by the ages and number of children that you have.

When we pick our battles, we avoid saying ¨no¨ every five seconds. And when we do that, our children learn that no means no, because we don´t overuse it. Especially when we back up that ¨no¨ with the appropriate action, like distracting a baby, removing a toddler from the situation they got themselves into, disciplining an older child, etc.

As your child grows, you will have opportunities to set limits with them on an intellectual and spiritual level. As they understand more abtract concepts, you will be able to explain your ¨no¨, and I think that is really important. My toddler doesn´t understand many of these concepts, but at least I can explain that we don´t do this or that because it isn´t nice. We worked hard to get her to understand the word ¨nice¨, and now that she does, I can factor that in to my no. Older children can understand when something hurts mommy´s feelings, or when God doesn´t like certain behaviors. The more our children grow, and the more purposeful we are about the limits we set, the more they will be able to understand and grow as people.

We all have different philosophies about discipline, but I think we can all agree that none of us wants to discipline our child for no reason. However, a lot of times we ourselves create situations where we set our children up for failure.

An example: Yesterday we were eating lunch. Bella was doing great when Jairo decided to give her some jello. Bella loves jello, and I had made some for ¨dessert¨. Well, once she had a taste of the jello, do you think she wanted to finish her lunch? No way. (She did finish, though, because this is a battle I consider worth fighting.) When Jairo got frustrated with her, I said, this is not her fault, it´s ours. Because it was true. We set her up to fail.

And that´s where that advice about a ¨yes¨ environment comes in. I can´t hand my children temptation and then be upset when they fail. I need to teach them how to be strong against temptation when it arises, not tempt them myself.

The job of forming our children´s character will require of us that we set limits and say ¨no¨. It will require discipline. It will require choosing our battle and teaching our kids how to know what things are eternally important. It will also require vigilance on our part, to not place our children in situations where they are doomed to fail. None of us enjoys disciplining our children in any way. It´s not something we should enjoy. But it is something we should give high importance to, because it is one very effective way that our children will learn how to be the people they need to be. The important thing, as a purposeful mommy, is to use discipline that is also purposeful.