-Ashley
Tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you?
I grew up in a small town in Maine, the youngest of 5 girls. I married my best friend when I was 21 and we have remained together through good times and bad. I am 38 years old. I worked as a nurse for 11 years before deciding to stay at home to raise my family.
Tell us about your family.
I grew up in a home with a Christian mom who took me to church every week. My dad was less involved when I was younger, but I am glad to say that he has now come to know the Lord and he and my mom are very actively involved in their church. My older sisters are a very important part of my life as well as the life of my children.
How many children do you have, and what are their ages?
I have 6 daughters:
Grace was 9 years old when she went home to be with Jesus 4 years ago.
Sarah is 12, Deanna is 11, Hannah is 5, Anita is 3.
Our 6th daughter is coming to us from Latvia later this year. She is 5 years old as well.
*Update: Since this interview, Teresa´s 6th daughter has been officially adopted. Here´s what Teresa says: ¨Allison came home with us in August, the adoption was finalized in November, and she had to return in December to finalize her passport/ visa hearing with the US Embassy. She was a great Christmas present!¨
This is an interview about motherhood, but your motherhood is shaped a lot by your marriage. How would you describe your relationship with your husband?
My husband is my absolute best friend. We have been together for almost 23 years and I cannot imagine my life without him. After God, he is my Rock. He keeps me grounded. He has remained faithful to me through my emotional ups and downs. He knows me better than any other person. (sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself). After the death of our daughter we were warned that our marriage could suffer. Just the opposite happened. We bonded together stronger then ever and keep growing closer every single day.
What is the hardest thing about being married?
Communication! Men and women communicate differently and it often is the cause of much misunderstanding. It takes a tender man to be sensitive enough to his wife to truly “listen” to her heart. It takes a strong woman to be able to go beyond her emotions to talk through hurts.
What is the best thing about being married?
Spending every day of your life with your best friend!
Describe a memory between you and your husband that really stands out in your mind.
There are so many, but I guess the first one that comes to mind is sitting in the back of my brother-in-law’s car as he drove us from one hospital where we had just heard our oldest daughter declared dead to another hospital where our youngest daughter had been flown due to a skull fracture. We sat there in the dark holding hands and crying. I remember asking him, “Are we going to be OK?” Without hesitation, he leaned over and kissed me and reassured me that everything was going to be OK. I knew then and there that we would become stronger as a result of this tragedy.
How did your relationship with your husband change when you became parents?
We didn’t become parents in the “traditional” way. After 6 years of infertility we adopted a sibling group of 3 sisters from Romania. We went from 0 to 3 over night! It was a whirlwind and it turned our lives completely upside down. My husband, true to form, remained solid and would redirect me when my lack of sleep led to emotional upheavals. I wouldn’t say that our relationship “changed” but was further enhanced by the addition of our girls. Parenting brings out the best and the worst in us, forcing us to deal with our issues.
How does your parenting style compare with your husband´s?
My husband tends to be the more patient parent. I am more short tempered and see things very black and white.
However, our styles tend to compliment each other. When one of us is struggling to deliver the much needed grace that our girls need, the other parent steps in. When one of us struggles with deciding on a consequence for a family offense, the other one will remind the group of our set family rules. It is a definite team approach to parenting.
In what ways have you changed since you became a mother?
I would have to say that becoming a mother has taught me patience and grace. As I mentioned before, parenting brings out the best and worst in us. Issues that you could “hide” before you had kids become front and center when you have children. God has a funny way of using our children to bring out emotions and behaviors that you have tried for years to ignore in yourself. You are forced to deal with them when they happen in front of your children. You can’t hide anything from your kids. This has forced me to take a very painful road of counseling and deep soul searching to recognize some very negative traits in myself that needed to be changed.
Describe a memory of pregnancy that stands out to you.
Our children are all adopted so I have no “pregnancy” story; however, if you would like a detailed story of mountains of paperwork, doctors appointments, birth certificates, dossiers, apostillements, embassy hearings, court dates, etc. I’d be happy to fill you in. When you are pregnant you may feel physically violated at every step of the way. When you adopt you are violated in every aspect of your life….your home, your marriage, your finances, your emotional stability, your physical fitness. There are NO secrets. You need to fully document every aspect of your parenting plan from what you will feed the children on the first day home to what plans you have in place in the event of your untimely demise. It can be a little intimidating to have to think about these things when you haven’t even met your precious little angels yet!
On top of the bureaucratic nightmare you have to deal with constant comments and unsolicited advice from well intentioned family members all the way up to complete strangers. (I have heard that this is true for pregnancy as well and I am at least thankful that complete strangers don’t approach me and touch my belly!)
“Now that you are adopting you’ll get pregnant!”-Well, gee, that’s exactly why I started all of this. I had some sick notion that if I started to fully engage myself in the adoption journey for one of the 147 million orphans in the world that I would somehow miraculously become pregnant and just put this all aside!
“They’re from Africa? Will they be black?”-Duh!
“What if they have a disease?”-What if they do? My precious Grace was healthy as a horse and was struck by a car 12 miles from my home. There are no guarantees in life.
“Why don’t you adopt from America?”-Because my child(ren) is/ are not from America.
“Those children are so lucky.”-No. WE are the lucky ones!
“Are they real sisters?”-Well, yes, I suppose they are.
“Are you their real mother?”-Last I checked. I sometimes feel like Pinocchio and want to shout “I’m a real boy!”
“I couldn’t do that.”-You’re right. You probably couldn’t.
Describe a memory of your first weeks of motherhood that stands out to you.
Sitting on the washing machine, rocking back and forth saying, “I can’t do this. We need to send them back.” To which my sweet, dear husband replied, ‘Well honey, we can’t give them back. We need to figure this out together.” And…we did!
In what ways has your parenting style changed with each child?
We currently have 2 very distinct sets of children. We are parenting 2 pre teens, while parenting 2 preschoolers. Ugh!
I have said all along that it is much easier the “second” time around. The addition of our 5 and 3 year old to the family 20 months ago went fairly smooth. It is easier when you have the older girls to help out. Plus, you have the knowledge that all of the irritating phases that your children go through are just that…a phase….and that it will pass and that you will survive!
In what ways are your children similar to each other and in what ways are they different?
Our children are certainly all very unique. However, it is funny to see similarities between our 11 year old and the 5 year old. They are both very passionate and emotional. This causes some interesting clashes between them, but usually it is due to their similarities.
In what ways are your children similar to you? In what ways are they different from you?
My 11 year old is an exact replica of me…crazy since she was knit together in her biological mom’s belly and not mine. We are so similar that my husband often calls her “Little T” (my name is Teresa). She carries her heart on her sleeve and you always know exactly what she is thinking. She is extremely passionate and feels things from her toes. When she is angry…she is ANGRY! When she is loving…she is sweet as can be. I see so many similarities between her and me it is scary. I was definitely predestined to be her mother.
For each of your children, share one of your favorite memories.
Grace loved horses. She was happiest on our annual family vacations to the Outer Banks where the wild horses roam free. She would just run care free down the beach and watch the horses for hours on end.
Sarah is my serious, more refined daughter. She is very quiet, yet witty. Just when you least expect it she can come up with some very funny, dry humor. While stopped at a stop light one day we saw a small hatchback with a picnic table strapped to the top. The top of the table laid out on the top of the car, with the legs pointing up to the sky. After a few moments of awkward silence, Sarah finally broke the silence with a quiet, “Huh….now there’s something you don’t see every day.” We all broke into hysterical laughter.
Dee is a swimmer. She has been on our local swim team for 7 years. My favorite memory was watching her at our state meet when she was about 8 years old. She was an entire lane behind the fastest swimmer in her heat. Once she made her flip turn and realized she was far behind she kicked it in and ended up winning her heat. She looked up at the score board and saw that she had come in first and pumped her little fist in the air. It was priceless!
Hannah is so full of life! She is constantly moving, dancing, singing. I often look up from what I am doing and can see her shaking her little body to whatever music is on.
Anita is the baby of the family. She is such a sweetheart and a snuggle bug. I love rocking her to sleep every night. When she was still sucking her thumb she would lie in my arms, sucking her thumb with her right hand and she would gently place her left hand, palm open, on my face while I would sing softly to her.
Describe a moment as a mother where you felt overwhelmed.
Just one?!? Ha! I generally have at least one overwhelmed moment each day. When you are a stay at home mom with 4 children, trying to homeschool 2 of them while keeping the other 2 out of trouble, help your husband with a foundation to help bring hope and healing to orphans and vulnerable children, be the wife of a pastor to a church plant to the downtown city filled with broken people and 10,000 refugees from Africa, serve at your local community outreach facility with homework help and meals it is easy to become overwhelmed. Oh yeah…and don’t forget trying to keep your marriage alive and happy while cooking, cleaning and carpooling to music lessons, soccer, dance, swim and play dates. If you don’t stay grounded in the Lord and keep your priorities straight you can easily become overwhelmed with the details of life and forget why you are really doing all of this…to grow and nurture these children to love the Lord and to grow into adults who love and serve Him.
What are your favorite ways to relax when you need a little break?
Go out to lunch with my girlfriends. Or take a walk.
What has been the hardest lesson you have had to learn as a mother?
That our children do not belong to us. They belong to God and He only lends them to us….sometimes for a short period of time.
What has been the hardest experience you have gone through as a mother? What did that experience teach you?
The hardest thing I ever had to do as a mother was to bury my daughter. It has taught me to not take anything for granted. Each day is a gift. Treat it as such! It is sometimes hard to do in the stress of every day life with children but try to find at least one moment each day when you can look at your children and cherish the treasure that they are.
Looking back on your life as a mother, what, if anything, do you regret?
Not playing more with my girls when they were younger. If I had it to do over again, I would have left the real cooking and the cleaning so that I could enjoy pretend pies, sidewalk chalk and sand castles with my girls.
What do you think is the most important quality in a mother?
I think every child needs different things from their mother, but overall I would have to say that consistency is the key. If your children know what to expect from you then they will feel secure in themselves. They will know that you love them by holding them accountable to consistent rules and consequences (maybe not right away but they will as they grow older).
What do you think children need most from their mothers?
To feel loved. No matter what they do they need to know that you will love them with an unconditional love.
What advice would you give to other mothers out there who are reading this interview?
Stop being so hard on yourself! You don’t have to be the perfect mother nor do you have to raise the perfect children. Just be willing to learn from your mistakes, laugh at yourself and teach your children what it looks like to be honest about your short comings.
Do you have any tips or tricks that have helped you stay organized, run your household or raise your kids more effectively?
Ha ha! This is funny. I think this is a constant battle for all mothers; regardless of where you live. You can live in a mud hut in Africa or a 5800 square foot home in America and every mother struggles with organization. No matter how hard you try to keep life organized, your children will always throw a wrench in the plan when they decide to live with you. And that is what kids do…they LIVE with you. They are messy, creative, artistic, inquisitive. All of these things involve messes! You can have things in place to help you stay organized to a certain degree but please don’t allow your organizational plans to interfere with your children exploring all of their potential to become the person God wants them to be.
Any final thoughts you´d like to share?
Motherhood is hard. Find some good friends. Not fake friends….REAL friends! The last thing you need is women who are pretending that everything is perfect. If someone tries to sell you that line of goods…RUN FAR AND FAST from her! She is a liar! You need brutally honest, real women around you to help you on this journey.
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