It all started with a faint pink line...

I haven´t written in this blog for a long time. I didn´t feel ready to share what has been going on in my life lately. I needed to process it and accept it, and in some way understand it. Once I did all that, I had to face the blank screen of my computer and try to find the words to express it all. So here it is. I hope it explains my absence and I also hope it encourages you, no matter what you´re going through right now.

When we decided to try to get pregnant the first time, I got pregnant with B the very first month we tried. So, I was sort of expecting the same thing the second time around. So, getting that monthly reminder that I was not pregnant after the first month of trying for baby #2 was a total let down to me, emotionally. The second month of trying could really be more classified as "not not trying". There was no real effort at timing. We were super busy. I was a little disappointed from last month not working, and not sure I was up to what might be months and months of waiting and being disappointed.

As the month wore on, what changed for me was my attitude. I have this long list of things to cover in prayer this time around. With B, it was just healthy delivery, healthy baby, healthy mommy, no c-section, no episiotomy. Oh how little I knew about what all can go wrong! Now the list was something like this: no miscarriage, no birth defects, no pre-eclampsia, no psycho doctors, no food allergies for baby, no urinary tract infections, no sibling rivalry, no vomitting, no mood swings, no stretch marks, no swelling, healthy delivery, healthy baby, healthy mommy, no c-section, no episiotomy...and the list just got longer and longer. Nothing out of my control, please. Thank you.

I realized somewhere in there as I spent time with God that there's nothing wrong with sharing our fears and concerns with God, but at some point we have to actually trust Him. If I were to have a miscarriage, would I still love and serve God? If my child is born with severe food allergies or some medical condition, would I curse God and desert my faith? Would my wish list not coming true mean that God doesn't love me, or that He is not good? Wasn't I putting conditions on my love for Him?

I had to let go. I said, "Ok, God. I trust you. I mean, I don't really. But I want to. I choose to. Whatever you have for me, I'll take it. Because I know it will be the best thing for me." Ouch. Hard prayer to pray. Hard prayer to mean.

When I started feeling pregnant-ish, I blew it off. Last month I got my hopes up, and I looked like a total idiot to my husband when I turned out not to be pregnant. This time I was zipping those lips. We'll see, I would tell myself. So I feel a little more exhausted that usual? I have a toddler. Do I ever NOT feel exhausted? So I'm a little moody? Again. Mother of a toddler. Ha. So I waited. And waited.

I am not a waiter. I am hasty, impulsive, NOW NOW NOW! But I waited.

One day late. (Last month was February. Short month. Probably thrown off by that.) Two days late. Hmm. Cramps, probably going to end these suspicions any minute. Three days late. Weird. Very uncommon for me. But still. No high hopes. Four days late...moment of truth.

I started getting bad headaches on day four, and some nausea. Could be coming down with something. But Jairo was leaving for Puyo tomorrow night, and I really wanted to know before he left. We went out as a family and I found some pretext to go off on my own for a minute, went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test. Should I take it now? Should I wait?

I decided it was now or never. With a friend covering me in prayer (the only way to do anything right), the next morning as soon as I woke up, I went straight to the bathroom (needed to anyway), pulled the test out from its hiding place amidst the feminine hygiene products (he would never look there!), studied it one more time and went for it. One line, not pregnant. Two lines, pregnant. My prayer was that whatever happened, the test would be accurate.

I waited. One line appeared instantly. Where was the other line? Why wasn't it there? (Apparently I did get my hopes up, after all.) Are you kidding me? I am never late!! Wait...that looks like...is that a very faint...(B starts crying)...CRAP. Hide the evidence. Grab the test. Go get B back to sleep.

Jairo wakes up as I get back into bed and gets up to use the bathroom. (So glad I hid the evidence!) He comes back and falls right asleep. He saw nothing. Good. Bella drifts off. I dash out of bed (except it was more like a slow, acrobatic crawl), grab the test and rush off to the kitchen (good lighting). There is definitely a faint second line! It's light. Very light. But any positive is a positive in pregnancy tests. It's graded on a curve. As long as you get something, you're growing a baby in there.

I decided to wake Jairo up and tell him the news. I made a really quick design on photoshop, something like this:

Picture of Jairo as a kid and his birthdate.
Picture of me as a kid and my birthdate.
Picture of our wedding and our wedding date.
Picture of B when she was born and her birthday.
Picture of the new pregnancy test and the expected due date (thanks to online due date calculators)

I woke him up (always a difficult job). I said, come here, it's important. I had put the design on the background of my computer. Look, I said. He looked. He looked again. Then he jumped up and said, Really?!?!?!

It was great. I can never do surprises. I must be maturing or something. Ha.

And so, it started with a faint pink line.

But this time it didn´t end nine months later with the delivery of a new baby.

I look back on it and realize that God was preparing me for something as I played tug of war during prayer time. That one thing that we all dread as soon as we find out we are pregnant, but try to keep out of our minds. Miscarriage. Before he took me through it, He got me to the point of acceptance. He got me to the place where I put the life of this little one in His hands, and trusted Him.

I´ll be honest. The whole reason I´m sharing this on my blog, instead of keeping it secret like I would have wanted to, is because I hope it will help someone else. So I´ll be totally honest.

When I saw the bleeding a few days after the positive pregnancy test, I knew in my heart what the doctor would later confirm, because the truth is, I had known it all along. That´s why I fought so fiercly with God. I knew what was coming. I see now that it was God´s mercy. But at the time it seemed like a cruel joke.

Why would God induce me to trust Him and then do the very thing I feared the most?

Do you know why?

Because He loves me.

I know. It seems like a contradiction. You don´t have to tell me how difficult of an idea it is to accept...I know. I went through it.

Those who suffer are blessed, because they receive comfort from God. They get to know Him, not as a magic genie or a last resort, but as a real person, with a will and a plan. Our suffering brings us one step closer to knowing Him, and knowing Him eclispes any suffering we experience.

I think it´s easy to take God for granted, to misunderstand the real purpose of our salvation. We weren´t saved so that life would be easy. We were saved for holiness. If you want to purify gold, you don´t cuddle with it, you put it through the fire. If you want to sanctify a person, you do the same thing.

I think this loss was, for me, the final straw. But not in the way people might expect. To me it was like the last lock finally being opened, and being free for the first time of all of my delisions about this world. I could finally realize that this world is not my home, it is not worth holding on to, and that I have to live my life for what is to come.

If you are suffering, there is comfort to be found in Christ, and it is a comfort that works like a strong medicine. It tastes bitter when you drink it, but it heals you completely. It doesn´t just restore your health, it brings you to a new level of health, spiritual health, and you would never have gotten there if you weren´t first sick and in need of a cure. The suffering of this life is merciful because it readies us for the next life, and equips us to live this life the way we ought to, for God and not for ourselves.

I´m thankful for my sufferings and I am thankful for my blessings. I´m thankful for the baby I will meet someday in heaven, and I´m thankful for the baby I hold in my arms every night. And I´m thankful because finally I can sincerely say with John, ¨Even so, Lord Jesus, Come!¨