A lot of times it can be hard to know what God is trying to say to us, probably because we´re not really paying attention. For the past five days I have had false labor, sometimes very convincing false labor, and I have felt increasingly discouraged as the contractions fade and I´m left with no baby and the feeling that the big day may never arrive. (Not to mention that these contractions are too close together to allow travel to Puyo, so we will be staying in Quito after all...a plan I am not too crazy about!) To be fair I´m still short of my due date…I have about a week to go. But what with the false labor and my doctor telling me that the baby would come early, it´s hard not to get my hopes up.
When I pray about labor, each day I get more and more desperate, and the recurring question is, God, why are you ignoring me? I´m just asking you to do what you´re going to do anyway! I know you know best, and I know there could be a lot of circumstances that I don´t understand that make it better for the baby to come in a few days or a week or more, but I can´t handle this anymore! Don´t you see that I am at the end of my rope??
And to some extent, it´s true. I feel myself hanging on to my sanity by a thread as the days wind down…everything will be fine and then some small thing happens (like today, for example, when I dropped the box of crackers on the floor and couldn´t bend over to pick them up), and reminds me that I am still pregnant and will probably be pregnant for the rest of my life, and I just break down into tears and feel completely hopeless. I get the feeling from other pregnant friends that I am not alone in this end of pregnancy desperation. And even more women who are experienced in pregnancy and labor also encourage me, telling me that they, too, suffered through this phase. The third trimester may be equal in length to the other two trimesters, but it feels a million times longer. Plus there is that anxiousness to finally meet the little person that has been growing inside you! How is a soon-to-be mom to survive the torture of waiting?
I haven´t blogged about this before now because I have been in such a terrible mood, but today I was praying and I decided that I was going to sit down and get into God´s Word until I felt better. I told God that I knew that the problem here is me, not Him, and if He is asking me to wait He has a reason. I wanted to find out what that reason was and submit myself to it, and I wanted to have peace despite the desperation.
As I said, sometimes it can be hard to know what God is trying to say to us. On the other hand, sometimes He hits us over the head with it and it is so obvious that it´s almost annoying. The latter was my experience today. I decided to do a Bible study book that I have, since I wasn’t really sure where to begin reading the Bible. (I just finished my 90-day Bible reading plan the other day, which was a huge goal of mine, and now I feel a little aimless!) I couldn´t remember what the topic was where I left off in the study because it´s been a while since I picked it up. Funny, the topic was about how God speaks to us and why He sometimes does not give us what we ask for. Ha. Nice one, God.
Well, the verse that summarizes what I learned is this: ¨Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.¨ Romans 5:3-5
Could it be possible that God is using this pregnancy, even now so close to the end, to teach me something? Could He be trying to develop in me a character of perseverance and—Heaven forbid—patience? Maybe, just maybe, He knows a little something about what motherhood is going to require of me. Maybe qualities like perseverance and patience, and not to mention hope, are things that I will need to have stores of to draw upon in my role as a mother.
Now, I´m not saying that after having this lesson rubbed in my face that I am not one of those sublimely happy earth-mother types, rolling with the contractions and whatnot. I am still pretty annoyed that I wake up every day still pregnant with no sign that labor is any closer. (Nonetheless, rationally I realize that every day really does bring me closer to labor, since labor itself is pretty inevitable.) But I didn’t say I was looking for a radical life change in my time with God today…I was just looking for something to hang onto, something to give some sense of purpose to this waiting. God is faithful, as always, and has given me that. And what´s nice, too, is that He has showed me that having me wait a little longer for the arrival of this baby is not the same as ignoring me or being uncaring or insensitive to what I am going through. He was perfectly willing to communicate with me about the situation just as soon as I was willing to listen.
I felt like He was saying to me, ¨Look. I know you better than you know yourself, and I know that patience is not a virtue you possess in high quantities. But I know your little one, too, and I know that she is going to need you to learn to be patient with her. I want you to start now. And more than that, I want you to trust me. I want you to trust my timing and my plan, and know that what I plan for you is much better than anything you can dream up for yourself. I know how hard it is for you, and I know how heartbroken you are every time the contractions fade into nothing. I promise that all this suffering is accomplishing something.¨
And you know what´s funny? All this time I was looking for these contractions to produce dilation and effacement…but God wanted them to produce something much bigger and far beyond that. He wanted them to produce perseverance, patience, trust, and dependence on Him. Oh what small minds we humans have sometimes! Still…now that I understood the lesson…any chance the baby could come tonight?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Week 69: Ready for baby? (week 38 of pregnancy)
Well, life has taken another interesting turn. My mom would say (and has said) that this is an opportunity for me to learn that now that I´m going to be a mom, I can kiss control of my life goodbye. ¨You can´t always have all of your ducks in a row¨ she tells me. I suppose she´s right. In some ways my life has been at the mercy of this little one for many months already, and it only gets more intense as labor and then life with our very own child are on the horizon, and we are learning that the best we can do is just roll with the punches.
I have had my qualms about our doctor since somewhere in the second trimester, I think. Little things that she does that I didn´t like too much...and many times I have thought about switching. Still, until recently nothing seemed like a big enough deal to switch over. I was just being too North American, I would think. Ecuadorian culture is definitely a ¨take it easy¨ culture...I am not a ¨take it easy¨ person. So there you go.
But recently there have been issues that seem less cultural and more worry-worthy to me, and when all of those isues culminated in me having a chernobyl-style meltdown that left even me reeling with surprise, I realized that something had to change. The major issues are related to pregnancy complications and whatnot, which most of you will not find interesting, but what it boils down to is that I feel like our doctor really could not care less about this pregnancy as long as she gets paid. The evidence is there, more and more with each passing visit it seems. Having all the classic symptoms of pre-eclampsia, a serious pregnancy problem which requires close observation at least, and at worst a medical intervention (inducing labor, etc), my doctor didn´t send me to get a single test done. Her response? ¨That´s probably normal.¨ She sent me to get an ultrasound, and we promptly took the results and pictures to her the next day. Then, a week later we go in to see her because my symptoms are worse and she says, ¨You didn´t get that ultrasound yet?¨ Jairo and I looked at each other, confused, and said, ¨Yes, we brought it to you last week.¨ ¨Oh really?¨ she replied, ¨I guess I forgot to write it down.¨ The exams she´s done on me to check for dilation and effacement (sorry, I know many of you are losing me now) are contradictory, indicating that she really has no idea what she´s even looking for. This doesn´t inspire much confidence, and while I realize that there are many aspects of labor and delivery that one really has no control over, one thing we can do is put our care in good hands. Of course, ultimately I know that I and our baby are in the best hands of all--God´s!! Still, we need to be responsible parents and try to do what is best for everyone.
After our last visit, I really could not handle the panic I was feeling every time we went to the doctor, my health getting progressively worse and her care of us getting progressively more lazy. I got so upset that I couldn´t stop crying...or hyperventilating. So Jairo gave me an ultimatum. ¨You need to tell me what you want to do. Whatever you need is fine, but tell me what we´re doing. You are making yourself sick.¨ Well I spent that night and the next day recovering from my meltdown, and I think seeing me so sad and quiet really freaked Jairo out. I am never quiet! Somewhere about half way through me processing all of this and trying to formulate a plan, Jairo came to me again, obviously worried and reassured me that he was more than happy to do anything I wanted, trying to get some kind of clue from me about what was going on in my head. Whatever else, I had to snap out of this zombie state and make a decision...my due date is only two weeks away, and everyone seems to think she is coming early. (I´m not convinced of that!)
Well, the next day I got up and started praying. (Something I could have done sooner.) First of all, I asked for forgiveness because my nuclear meltdown was such an obvious lack of faith on my part. My life, and the life of this baby, are in God´s hands. Our choice of doctor and hospital is important, but trusting God is more important, because when all is said and done He is the one directing our steps and He is the one who will bring this baby into the world in His time. Then I started asking for what often eludes me: Peace. Only He can give it, and I need it. And then I asked for wisdom to know what to do.
I realized that the best option is probably to go to Puyo, stay with the in-laws, and give birth at the North American hospital. It´s an idea we´ve tossed around since I got pregnant, but it just seemed too difficult since I needed monthly check ups and we´d have to spend the last month or so in Puyo. In the past few weeks we started discussing again, but it just seemed like too much of a hassle. Yet, the more I thought about it the more I thought that, despite the hassle, it was the only idea that actually made me feel secure and safe about labor. Not to mention that we will be surrounded by Jairo´s family, instead of being on our own. Another day passed and I became more sure of the idea. Yet I had this fear that Jairo was going to get mad at me. ¨Why didn´t you decide this sooner?¨ I imagined him asking me. ¨Now that I have all these responsibilities and plans here in Quito, now that everything is ready, now that we´re settled here, NOW you want to go to Puyo, just days before you give birth?¨ And, I thought, if he reacts like that...he´s right. I should have decided this long ago. In my defense, I had no idea it would turn out like this. But still...hindsight and all that.
So I prayed, and I told God the truth. The truth is that I don´t know what´s best. The truth is that I don´t know what to do. The truth is that I´m just trying to be as healthy as possible, and keep this baby as healthy as possible, and I´m not even totally sure how to best do that. But I know that there needs to be peace in my family, between Jairo and me, because otherwise everything else is pointless. So this was my request to God: If he says no, if he gets mad, I will let it go. He´s right, after all. I´ll listen to him. But if YOU want us to go to Puyo, if that´s what´s best, then let him go along with it. Let him say yes.
Yeah right, I thought. No way he´s saying yes. We´d have to leave in like two days!
He got home from worship team practice and I announced that I wanted to talk to him. He laughed. Good, I though, he´s in a good mood.
¨Okay, what do you want to talk about?¨
I decided to be direct. ¨I want to go to Puyo.¨
¨Really? Why?¨
I explained my rationale. I wanted to go to the hospital there, I think the trip really is doable, and I hate our doctor. I can only imagine those feelings will increase with the intensity of labor. It´s the only thing I feel remotely good about. Etc.
¨Are you sure that´s what you want?¨
¨Yeah, pretty sure.¨
¨Okay. Let´s go. We´ll have to leave right away. I´ll let everyone know and work everything out.¨
Do I or do I not have the best husband in the whole universe?? This whole thing went down yesterday, and last night as my husband was snoring away I said a silent thank you to God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband. And somewhere in his response I realized that in some way, just like it took him some time to really become a husband, it had taken him some time to really become a father. To think like a father. But there in that moment I realized, there is nothing he wouldn´t do for me or this baby. And I felt peace.
I think this is one of those many small sacrifices that I will be making my whole life for this little one. It´s hard for me to think of making this trip now, leaving the comfort of our home and staying with my in-laws, despite the fact that I get along great with them. They love me a lot, and I know they will be a big help to us. Still, I want to be here, in my bed, in my house, with my idea of the perfect birth. I guess this is where my mom chimes in and tells me to get over that right now, because from now on nothing is going to go according to plan. And that´s okay. I could use some help giving up control and trusting in God. But it is going to be hard to make the trip to Puyo, and even harder to make the trip back just days after delivery with a newborn in tow. But I think about staying here and I know that the right thing is to go.
Whatever happens from here on out, at least I can say it won´t be boring! And it will be a fun story to tell baby when she´s bigger, once all the ugly parts have faded into memory and become just funny little details in the bigger and much more important story of how she came to be. The story of how we loved her from before the time we even knew her, and how we tried to take care of her without really knowing how. And maybe, just maybe, seeing how hard we´ve tried, she´ll forgive us for all those mistakes we´ll make between now and then! (Well, maybe after she gets done with those teenage years...)
I have had my qualms about our doctor since somewhere in the second trimester, I think. Little things that she does that I didn´t like too much...and many times I have thought about switching. Still, until recently nothing seemed like a big enough deal to switch over. I was just being too North American, I would think. Ecuadorian culture is definitely a ¨take it easy¨ culture...I am not a ¨take it easy¨ person. So there you go.
But recently there have been issues that seem less cultural and more worry-worthy to me, and when all of those isues culminated in me having a chernobyl-style meltdown that left even me reeling with surprise, I realized that something had to change. The major issues are related to pregnancy complications and whatnot, which most of you will not find interesting, but what it boils down to is that I feel like our doctor really could not care less about this pregnancy as long as she gets paid. The evidence is there, more and more with each passing visit it seems. Having all the classic symptoms of pre-eclampsia, a serious pregnancy problem which requires close observation at least, and at worst a medical intervention (inducing labor, etc), my doctor didn´t send me to get a single test done. Her response? ¨That´s probably normal.¨ She sent me to get an ultrasound, and we promptly took the results and pictures to her the next day. Then, a week later we go in to see her because my symptoms are worse and she says, ¨You didn´t get that ultrasound yet?¨ Jairo and I looked at each other, confused, and said, ¨Yes, we brought it to you last week.¨ ¨Oh really?¨ she replied, ¨I guess I forgot to write it down.¨ The exams she´s done on me to check for dilation and effacement (sorry, I know many of you are losing me now) are contradictory, indicating that she really has no idea what she´s even looking for. This doesn´t inspire much confidence, and while I realize that there are many aspects of labor and delivery that one really has no control over, one thing we can do is put our care in good hands. Of course, ultimately I know that I and our baby are in the best hands of all--God´s!! Still, we need to be responsible parents and try to do what is best for everyone.
After our last visit, I really could not handle the panic I was feeling every time we went to the doctor, my health getting progressively worse and her care of us getting progressively more lazy. I got so upset that I couldn´t stop crying...or hyperventilating. So Jairo gave me an ultimatum. ¨You need to tell me what you want to do. Whatever you need is fine, but tell me what we´re doing. You are making yourself sick.¨ Well I spent that night and the next day recovering from my meltdown, and I think seeing me so sad and quiet really freaked Jairo out. I am never quiet! Somewhere about half way through me processing all of this and trying to formulate a plan, Jairo came to me again, obviously worried and reassured me that he was more than happy to do anything I wanted, trying to get some kind of clue from me about what was going on in my head. Whatever else, I had to snap out of this zombie state and make a decision...my due date is only two weeks away, and everyone seems to think she is coming early. (I´m not convinced of that!)
Well, the next day I got up and started praying. (Something I could have done sooner.) First of all, I asked for forgiveness because my nuclear meltdown was such an obvious lack of faith on my part. My life, and the life of this baby, are in God´s hands. Our choice of doctor and hospital is important, but trusting God is more important, because when all is said and done He is the one directing our steps and He is the one who will bring this baby into the world in His time. Then I started asking for what often eludes me: Peace. Only He can give it, and I need it. And then I asked for wisdom to know what to do.
I realized that the best option is probably to go to Puyo, stay with the in-laws, and give birth at the North American hospital. It´s an idea we´ve tossed around since I got pregnant, but it just seemed too difficult since I needed monthly check ups and we´d have to spend the last month or so in Puyo. In the past few weeks we started discussing again, but it just seemed like too much of a hassle. Yet, the more I thought about it the more I thought that, despite the hassle, it was the only idea that actually made me feel secure and safe about labor. Not to mention that we will be surrounded by Jairo´s family, instead of being on our own. Another day passed and I became more sure of the idea. Yet I had this fear that Jairo was going to get mad at me. ¨Why didn´t you decide this sooner?¨ I imagined him asking me. ¨Now that I have all these responsibilities and plans here in Quito, now that everything is ready, now that we´re settled here, NOW you want to go to Puyo, just days before you give birth?¨ And, I thought, if he reacts like that...he´s right. I should have decided this long ago. In my defense, I had no idea it would turn out like this. But still...hindsight and all that.
So I prayed, and I told God the truth. The truth is that I don´t know what´s best. The truth is that I don´t know what to do. The truth is that I´m just trying to be as healthy as possible, and keep this baby as healthy as possible, and I´m not even totally sure how to best do that. But I know that there needs to be peace in my family, between Jairo and me, because otherwise everything else is pointless. So this was my request to God: If he says no, if he gets mad, I will let it go. He´s right, after all. I´ll listen to him. But if YOU want us to go to Puyo, if that´s what´s best, then let him go along with it. Let him say yes.
Yeah right, I thought. No way he´s saying yes. We´d have to leave in like two days!
He got home from worship team practice and I announced that I wanted to talk to him. He laughed. Good, I though, he´s in a good mood.
¨Okay, what do you want to talk about?¨
I decided to be direct. ¨I want to go to Puyo.¨
¨Really? Why?¨
I explained my rationale. I wanted to go to the hospital there, I think the trip really is doable, and I hate our doctor. I can only imagine those feelings will increase with the intensity of labor. It´s the only thing I feel remotely good about. Etc.
¨Are you sure that´s what you want?¨
¨Yeah, pretty sure.¨
¨Okay. Let´s go. We´ll have to leave right away. I´ll let everyone know and work everything out.¨
Do I or do I not have the best husband in the whole universe?? This whole thing went down yesterday, and last night as my husband was snoring away I said a silent thank you to God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband. And somewhere in his response I realized that in some way, just like it took him some time to really become a husband, it had taken him some time to really become a father. To think like a father. But there in that moment I realized, there is nothing he wouldn´t do for me or this baby. And I felt peace.
I think this is one of those many small sacrifices that I will be making my whole life for this little one. It´s hard for me to think of making this trip now, leaving the comfort of our home and staying with my in-laws, despite the fact that I get along great with them. They love me a lot, and I know they will be a big help to us. Still, I want to be here, in my bed, in my house, with my idea of the perfect birth. I guess this is where my mom chimes in and tells me to get over that right now, because from now on nothing is going to go according to plan. And that´s okay. I could use some help giving up control and trusting in God. But it is going to be hard to make the trip to Puyo, and even harder to make the trip back just days after delivery with a newborn in tow. But I think about staying here and I know that the right thing is to go.
Whatever happens from here on out, at least I can say it won´t be boring! And it will be a fun story to tell baby when she´s bigger, once all the ugly parts have faded into memory and become just funny little details in the bigger and much more important story of how she came to be. The story of how we loved her from before the time we even knew her, and how we tried to take care of her without really knowing how. And maybe, just maybe, seeing how hard we´ve tried, she´ll forgive us for all those mistakes we´ll make between now and then! (Well, maybe after she gets done with those teenage years...)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Week 68: Christmas in May! (week 37 of pregnancy)
These past few days I have had a lot of reason to feel like it´s Christmas time. For one, it´s cold here in Ecuador, or at least it was until today, which it shouldn´t be because technically we are in the hot season. Apparently the weather did not get the memo. I don´t mind the cold too much, especially since I´m mostly indoors nowadays, but the rain that goes along with it every day makes doing laundry a frustrating job. We, like most Ecuadorian households, do not have a dryer, so we hang our clothes out on the line to dry. My mom asked me the other day what we do when it rains every day like it has been this week. My answer? We wait.
But there are many more reasons to feel like it´s Christmas time, and they are much more fun. At the end of last week (I was way too tired to blog about it) I had my baby shower via Skype. It was pretty neat to get to see everyone and talk to them, although we got disconnected a few times. Still, when you´re a whole continent away, that´s not too shabby! Baby showers are always fun, what with the adorable tiny things and the games, not to mention the friends who I had not seen in over a year...and some that I had not seen in even longer than that. My aunt threw the shower and had the idea that people could either bring smaller gifts like baby clothes, which my parents will bring to me when they come here in just a few weeks, or if they wanted to get us a bigger item they could give a gift of money with a card telling how they would like us to use it. The majority of people just said to use the money however we most needed it, although a few did have me get specific things from my registry. I think it was a great idea considering the fact that logistically presents are just so difficult to transport to us. I wasn´t expecting a lot of money or gifts, mostly I was just excited to see everyone and get to share our excitement with them. Nonetheless we got quite a few really adorable gifts (like a tutu and a homemade quilt) and quite a bit of money, too. I felt incredibly blessed that so many people wanted to be a part of our daughter´s life and also amazed once again at God´s provision...I shouldn´t be so surprised every time God comes through for us for this baby since that was part of the bargain I made with Him about this little one, but I´m only human, I suppose.
Well, these days following the shower Jairo and I have done some shopping for the baby, picking up the essentials that we were missing and a few fun non-essentials as well. I´m trying not to buy too many clothes because my mom is bringing a bunch with her and also I don´t know how big this baby is going to be! Plus, there´s always the off-chance that those ultrasounds were mistaken and then what will we do with all of these girl clothes? Jairo assures me that we will have plenty of opportunity to buy anything else we might need once the baby arrives. So close to the end of the pregnancy, it´s really just nerve-wracking when you have everything pretty much done and there´s nothing to do but wait. Still, these little shopping trips have been fun and have given me a distraction to get through these last days!
So as if that were not enough, today we went to the post office (an uncommon adventure for us...and an all-day event, unfortunately) and were rewarded for our efforts with four packages!! One was a package for Jairo´s birthday, two were packages of baby related items, and one was a package from a dear friend of mine for me and baby. It really did feel like Christmas! Jairo and I were especially impressed by the tiny little baby socks that came in one package from my parents. I can´t even imagine a foot that small...but I suppose very soon I will be intimately familiar with two of them.
I spent the rest of the evening washing all the new baby clothes we got in the mail (and I am still amazed that such tiny clothes can fill up my line so quickly!), putting away the few baby things we bought while out and about, ironing the crib sheet and blanket (I had just washed them and they were beyond wrinkled), cooking burritos for my husband who had never tried them before, and clearing out the memory cards so that there is plenty of room for baby pictures. I was hoping to finish up my hospital bag and baby´s hospital bag, but there are only so many hours in a day.
Pregnancy-wise I have been okay, not great, but I´m not sure if it´s the pregnancy that is getting me down or if it´s the flu my husband gave me. The beauty of marriage is sharing, right? I´m pretty sure the immense swelling of my feet and hands is purely pregnancy, though. We´re getting that checked out tomorrow, just in case. Baby is as active as ever and, although I have frequent contractions, I have trouble believing that she´s going to come out. I feel like I´ve been pregnant forever, and I don´t see any real progress towards labor. I suppose it will come like a theif in the night. Or something like that.
Other than that, life is moving forward and I am trying to imagine how different this scene will be just a few weeks from now. Jairo and I are so happy lately that I can only hope that baby´s transition into our family is made easier by our happiness, and not that our happiness is made less happy by the transition. Selfish, I know. Until now we have never really been inclined to share much of ourselves as a couple with others, being a fairly private couple. Even the things I put on this blog are generally surface-level kinds of things, and my own thoughts which I tend to not ever keep to myself. What will it be like to let a third party into our little world? For now I can only wonder. Still, it will be nice to have my figure back...or at least normal-sized feet for starters.
But there are many more reasons to feel like it´s Christmas time, and they are much more fun. At the end of last week (I was way too tired to blog about it) I had my baby shower via Skype. It was pretty neat to get to see everyone and talk to them, although we got disconnected a few times. Still, when you´re a whole continent away, that´s not too shabby! Baby showers are always fun, what with the adorable tiny things and the games, not to mention the friends who I had not seen in over a year...and some that I had not seen in even longer than that. My aunt threw the shower and had the idea that people could either bring smaller gifts like baby clothes, which my parents will bring to me when they come here in just a few weeks, or if they wanted to get us a bigger item they could give a gift of money with a card telling how they would like us to use it. The majority of people just said to use the money however we most needed it, although a few did have me get specific things from my registry. I think it was a great idea considering the fact that logistically presents are just so difficult to transport to us. I wasn´t expecting a lot of money or gifts, mostly I was just excited to see everyone and get to share our excitement with them. Nonetheless we got quite a few really adorable gifts (like a tutu and a homemade quilt) and quite a bit of money, too. I felt incredibly blessed that so many people wanted to be a part of our daughter´s life and also amazed once again at God´s provision...I shouldn´t be so surprised every time God comes through for us for this baby since that was part of the bargain I made with Him about this little one, but I´m only human, I suppose.
Well, these days following the shower Jairo and I have done some shopping for the baby, picking up the essentials that we were missing and a few fun non-essentials as well. I´m trying not to buy too many clothes because my mom is bringing a bunch with her and also I don´t know how big this baby is going to be! Plus, there´s always the off-chance that those ultrasounds were mistaken and then what will we do with all of these girl clothes? Jairo assures me that we will have plenty of opportunity to buy anything else we might need once the baby arrives. So close to the end of the pregnancy, it´s really just nerve-wracking when you have everything pretty much done and there´s nothing to do but wait. Still, these little shopping trips have been fun and have given me a distraction to get through these last days!
So as if that were not enough, today we went to the post office (an uncommon adventure for us...and an all-day event, unfortunately) and were rewarded for our efforts with four packages!! One was a package for Jairo´s birthday, two were packages of baby related items, and one was a package from a dear friend of mine for me and baby. It really did feel like Christmas! Jairo and I were especially impressed by the tiny little baby socks that came in one package from my parents. I can´t even imagine a foot that small...but I suppose very soon I will be intimately familiar with two of them.
I spent the rest of the evening washing all the new baby clothes we got in the mail (and I am still amazed that such tiny clothes can fill up my line so quickly!), putting away the few baby things we bought while out and about, ironing the crib sheet and blanket (I had just washed them and they were beyond wrinkled), cooking burritos for my husband who had never tried them before, and clearing out the memory cards so that there is plenty of room for baby pictures. I was hoping to finish up my hospital bag and baby´s hospital bag, but there are only so many hours in a day.
Pregnancy-wise I have been okay, not great, but I´m not sure if it´s the pregnancy that is getting me down or if it´s the flu my husband gave me. The beauty of marriage is sharing, right? I´m pretty sure the immense swelling of my feet and hands is purely pregnancy, though. We´re getting that checked out tomorrow, just in case. Baby is as active as ever and, although I have frequent contractions, I have trouble believing that she´s going to come out. I feel like I´ve been pregnant forever, and I don´t see any real progress towards labor. I suppose it will come like a theif in the night. Or something like that.
Other than that, life is moving forward and I am trying to imagine how different this scene will be just a few weeks from now. Jairo and I are so happy lately that I can only hope that baby´s transition into our family is made easier by our happiness, and not that our happiness is made less happy by the transition. Selfish, I know. Until now we have never really been inclined to share much of ourselves as a couple with others, being a fairly private couple. Even the things I put on this blog are generally surface-level kinds of things, and my own thoughts which I tend to not ever keep to myself. What will it be like to let a third party into our little world? For now I can only wonder. Still, it will be nice to have my figure back...or at least normal-sized feet for starters.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Week 67: A recap of this week (week 36 of pregnancy)
Today is Thursday, and it´s the first day all week that I´ve actually gotten something done. It´s interesting, too, because each day of this week has been worse than the day before, making this day the worst day of the week so far. I feel like I might just drop over unconscious at any moment, so I thought I would try to get at least one blog entry done for this week in case the weekend follows the trend of each day getting worse and I have absolutely no energy or will left!
I´m at the tail end of my pregnancy, week 36 (almost 37) out of 40 give or take, and as far as I´m concerned, my due date cannot come fast enough. This whole pregnancy has been a difficult one for me. I realize that many women have even more difficult pregnancies, with months and months of total bedrest or hospitalizations, etc. so I don´t want to complain too much. I have only been ordered on ¨partial¨ bedrest for the past few months, which here in Ecuador is not that restrictive. I am supposed to stay home as much as possible, and not do anything more than moderate work. I can wash the dishes, for example, but I´m not supposed to take out the trash. (Not like I take out the trash anyway...) They put me on partial bedrest in the first trimester for a while because of some cramping, but that went away and so did the bedrest, and I felt pretty good until the end of the second trimester. Then I developed some high blood pressure, but not really high, just enough for them to put me back on partial bedrest. This doctor´s visit I found out that my blood pressure is officially back to normal, but I have been having really frequent contractions and lots of cramping and my doctor is worried I will go into labor early, so I am supposed to continue with the bedrest until 39 weeks. Just a little longer...
Still, this week bedrest has been more of a self-imposed treatment...I have the habit of doing too much too soon because I get so restless ¨resting¨, but this week even I have not been asking to get out of the house. I have been in a lot of pain, especially lower back pain (and of course the contractions) to the point that I cannot even lie down comfortably. There is literally no way to get comfortable for even 5 minutes. Last night was the worst night yet, and neither I nor Jairo got any sleep at all. It was like those torture scenes on tv where they give you drugs in one arm to make you fall asleep and drugs in the other to make you wake up to intense pain...that was my night. I would fall asleep from being so exhausted only to wake up 5 minutes later gasping from pain. Thank God for my incredibly patient and compassionate husband who gave me back massages off and on from about 2am until about 5:30am.
Apparently this discomfort is caused by the baby being really low, or as the ultrasound guy said the other day, ¨stuck way down there¨. I suppose it´s nice that she is getting ready to come out...that gives me some hope. Still, I wonder to myself how in the world I will have strength for labor if this keeps up...I don´t even have the energy to walk around my apartment.
I am tutoring a teen from our church in English for an army entrance exam, and today was the second day that I tutored him. When Jairo woke me up to tell me that this guy had arrived, I could not stop crying. Jairo was going to send him home, seeing that I was completely hysterical, but I felt bad that the kid had come all this way for nothing so I got up and got changed and ready, crying the whole time. I was so completely exhausted that I couldn´t handle the idea of even being awake, let alone trying to make sense enough to teach someone. I got calmed down and got the class done, and hopefully it made sense, and then I figured that while I was up I would try to do something productive, since the crying spell was over anyway.
I was a little productive. I washed the dishes that were piling up (all of them!), washed 2 loads of clothes (but Jairo hung them up...I´m not that ambitious), made dinner (fajitas...definitely worth the work), made gatorade (from powder...my new best friend), and downloaded some pictures that Jairo needed for a design he´s doing. I was trying to understand when in my life I accepted this kind of activity as ¨productive¨ and then I remembered...oh yeah, somewhere around 7 months pregnant.
I have two new fears about this pregnancy, or actually about labor, that I never even considered before. First of all, with all this talk from the doctor about the baby coming early, I am really worried she will come late. Here I am expecting her to come about a week before her date, and what if she comes at 41 weeks or more? I think I would literally lose my mind. I keep dropping subtle little hints to the baby, like ¨the exit is in a downward direction¨ and ¨please oh please be born soon!!¨ Ok, maybe not that subtle.
The other fear I have is one I already mentioned, that I will have absolutely no strength for labor. I really do not want drugs, and I especially do not want a c-section. It´s not that I´m especially against epidurals and other medicines, it´s really just that we don´t have the money for extra interventions in labor, and I also just prefer a natural birth.
I have this list of 6 signs that labor is coming soon, soon being about 2 weeks or so, and according to the teacher once you have 4 or more it is time for your hubby to stay close. Not like never leave the house close, but definitely never leave the city close. Well I have four, which means absolutely nothing more than what we already know: sometime in the near future, this baby will be born. When? Who knows??
I decided early on that I wanted to memorize Scripture for labor, and I chose Psalm 91 for Jairo and I to memorize together. I also wrote down a lot of other good verses in a pretty little notebook that I plan to take with me to the hospital so that Jairo can read them to me or I can read them, depending on what works. But I wanted to have one memorized, to give me something to focus on. We worked on it a lot in the beginning, and then kind of slacked off near the middle of pregnancy. The other day I was at church with Jairo for a worship team practice, which I decided to go to because I felt pretty good and wanted to get out of the house. Well, that was a mistake. It wasn´t too far into the practice that the contractions hit. I was sitting, so I decided to get up and walk, since braxton-hicks contractions usually ease up if you change activities. Well, the contractions went away but then I felt this incredible pain in my lower back as the baby´s head crushed some nerve in my body or my spinal cord or who knows what. So I was left with a choice...contractions sitting down or shooting pain walking around. I was more scared of the contractions so I decided to walk around, and realizing that I had about 3 more verses to memorize in Psalm 91 and labor could literally be any day, I grabbed a Bible and started memorizing. It was an ok distraction for the most part, although there were a few moments where I would sort of double over for a second and try to compose myself from the pain getting stronger, and in those moments there is really no good distraction. Well, I got the Psalm memorized really well, because I was too scared to sit back down until the end of practice. I was proud of myself that I didn´t cry a single tear until I got home.
Well, I asked Jairo to take me with him to church tonight and he promptly refused...I think ¨no¨ is going to be the standard answer until after baby is born. He´s only going to do some kind of instrument installation thing so he won´t be gone long, and I would have been really bored anyway, but in some way despite knowing how much I really need the rest, it kind of just seems pointless anyway. Here or there, I am not really able to rest. So I´d rather just be doing something. Otherwise, these last few weeks are going to go even slower!
Anyway, that is my week in a nutshell up until now. I still have to make Jairo´s birthday present, and I am currently about 10% done and have only 3 more days, so I´m wondering what kind of miracle to pray for so that I can get it done on time. I already gave in and had Jairo pick out a cake mix rather than make a homemade cake, so I´d like to do at least one thing well!!
I think I will take a shower, which seems to be a nice pain reliever until I turn off the water, and then I will probably try to sleep...which might work for a few minutes. Hopefully I will get enough minutes in there to not be traumatized merely by waking up! Jairo´s looking pretty tired, too...I bet he´s just as ready for this baby to come as I am!
I´m at the tail end of my pregnancy, week 36 (almost 37) out of 40 give or take, and as far as I´m concerned, my due date cannot come fast enough. This whole pregnancy has been a difficult one for me. I realize that many women have even more difficult pregnancies, with months and months of total bedrest or hospitalizations, etc. so I don´t want to complain too much. I have only been ordered on ¨partial¨ bedrest for the past few months, which here in Ecuador is not that restrictive. I am supposed to stay home as much as possible, and not do anything more than moderate work. I can wash the dishes, for example, but I´m not supposed to take out the trash. (Not like I take out the trash anyway...) They put me on partial bedrest in the first trimester for a while because of some cramping, but that went away and so did the bedrest, and I felt pretty good until the end of the second trimester. Then I developed some high blood pressure, but not really high, just enough for them to put me back on partial bedrest. This doctor´s visit I found out that my blood pressure is officially back to normal, but I have been having really frequent contractions and lots of cramping and my doctor is worried I will go into labor early, so I am supposed to continue with the bedrest until 39 weeks. Just a little longer...
Still, this week bedrest has been more of a self-imposed treatment...I have the habit of doing too much too soon because I get so restless ¨resting¨, but this week even I have not been asking to get out of the house. I have been in a lot of pain, especially lower back pain (and of course the contractions) to the point that I cannot even lie down comfortably. There is literally no way to get comfortable for even 5 minutes. Last night was the worst night yet, and neither I nor Jairo got any sleep at all. It was like those torture scenes on tv where they give you drugs in one arm to make you fall asleep and drugs in the other to make you wake up to intense pain...that was my night. I would fall asleep from being so exhausted only to wake up 5 minutes later gasping from pain. Thank God for my incredibly patient and compassionate husband who gave me back massages off and on from about 2am until about 5:30am.
Apparently this discomfort is caused by the baby being really low, or as the ultrasound guy said the other day, ¨stuck way down there¨. I suppose it´s nice that she is getting ready to come out...that gives me some hope. Still, I wonder to myself how in the world I will have strength for labor if this keeps up...I don´t even have the energy to walk around my apartment.
I am tutoring a teen from our church in English for an army entrance exam, and today was the second day that I tutored him. When Jairo woke me up to tell me that this guy had arrived, I could not stop crying. Jairo was going to send him home, seeing that I was completely hysterical, but I felt bad that the kid had come all this way for nothing so I got up and got changed and ready, crying the whole time. I was so completely exhausted that I couldn´t handle the idea of even being awake, let alone trying to make sense enough to teach someone. I got calmed down and got the class done, and hopefully it made sense, and then I figured that while I was up I would try to do something productive, since the crying spell was over anyway.
I was a little productive. I washed the dishes that were piling up (all of them!), washed 2 loads of clothes (but Jairo hung them up...I´m not that ambitious), made dinner (fajitas...definitely worth the work), made gatorade (from powder...my new best friend), and downloaded some pictures that Jairo needed for a design he´s doing. I was trying to understand when in my life I accepted this kind of activity as ¨productive¨ and then I remembered...oh yeah, somewhere around 7 months pregnant.
I have two new fears about this pregnancy, or actually about labor, that I never even considered before. First of all, with all this talk from the doctor about the baby coming early, I am really worried she will come late. Here I am expecting her to come about a week before her date, and what if she comes at 41 weeks or more? I think I would literally lose my mind. I keep dropping subtle little hints to the baby, like ¨the exit is in a downward direction¨ and ¨please oh please be born soon!!¨ Ok, maybe not that subtle.
The other fear I have is one I already mentioned, that I will have absolutely no strength for labor. I really do not want drugs, and I especially do not want a c-section. It´s not that I´m especially against epidurals and other medicines, it´s really just that we don´t have the money for extra interventions in labor, and I also just prefer a natural birth.
I have this list of 6 signs that labor is coming soon, soon being about 2 weeks or so, and according to the teacher once you have 4 or more it is time for your hubby to stay close. Not like never leave the house close, but definitely never leave the city close. Well I have four, which means absolutely nothing more than what we already know: sometime in the near future, this baby will be born. When? Who knows??
I decided early on that I wanted to memorize Scripture for labor, and I chose Psalm 91 for Jairo and I to memorize together. I also wrote down a lot of other good verses in a pretty little notebook that I plan to take with me to the hospital so that Jairo can read them to me or I can read them, depending on what works. But I wanted to have one memorized, to give me something to focus on. We worked on it a lot in the beginning, and then kind of slacked off near the middle of pregnancy. The other day I was at church with Jairo for a worship team practice, which I decided to go to because I felt pretty good and wanted to get out of the house. Well, that was a mistake. It wasn´t too far into the practice that the contractions hit. I was sitting, so I decided to get up and walk, since braxton-hicks contractions usually ease up if you change activities. Well, the contractions went away but then I felt this incredible pain in my lower back as the baby´s head crushed some nerve in my body or my spinal cord or who knows what. So I was left with a choice...contractions sitting down or shooting pain walking around. I was more scared of the contractions so I decided to walk around, and realizing that I had about 3 more verses to memorize in Psalm 91 and labor could literally be any day, I grabbed a Bible and started memorizing. It was an ok distraction for the most part, although there were a few moments where I would sort of double over for a second and try to compose myself from the pain getting stronger, and in those moments there is really no good distraction. Well, I got the Psalm memorized really well, because I was too scared to sit back down until the end of practice. I was proud of myself that I didn´t cry a single tear until I got home.
Well, I asked Jairo to take me with him to church tonight and he promptly refused...I think ¨no¨ is going to be the standard answer until after baby is born. He´s only going to do some kind of instrument installation thing so he won´t be gone long, and I would have been really bored anyway, but in some way despite knowing how much I really need the rest, it kind of just seems pointless anyway. Here or there, I am not really able to rest. So I´d rather just be doing something. Otherwise, these last few weeks are going to go even slower!
Anyway, that is my week in a nutshell up until now. I still have to make Jairo´s birthday present, and I am currently about 10% done and have only 3 more days, so I´m wondering what kind of miracle to pray for so that I can get it done on time. I already gave in and had Jairo pick out a cake mix rather than make a homemade cake, so I´d like to do at least one thing well!!
I think I will take a shower, which seems to be a nice pain reliever until I turn off the water, and then I will probably try to sleep...which might work for a few minutes. Hopefully I will get enough minutes in there to not be traumatized merely by waking up! Jairo´s looking pretty tired, too...I bet he´s just as ready for this baby to come as I am!
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