Week Two: Sick Husband, Dirty House

The day my in-laws came to visit and stay the night, Jairo came down with the flu. By the next morning when they left, he couldn’t even get out of bed. So, I took his parents to get a taxi to the bus terminal and then went to the pharmacy for medicine and Gatorade. Then I spent the next few days taking care of him, and the housework. Which was not always that fun. It was the sickest I’ve seen him, and I felt kind of helpless, knowing I couldn’t really do much besides giving him his medicine, making sure he drank plenty of liquids, and praying for him.

It’s a weird feeling starting to take care of someone, someone who depends on just you, when you’ve spent your life being taken care of. What’s weirder is that when you marry someone from a different culture, what you know about taking care of someone may be completely “wrong”. For example, when I’m sick with a sore throat I want something cold. Ever since I was little it was popsicles and 7up for a sore throat. Here, eating something cold when sick with a sore throat is the worst possible thing to do. When I’m sick with a stomach ache, I drink sprite or ginger ale. Here when you have a stomach ache you definitely do not ever drink soda. So what do you do when those little tricks you’ve learned your whole life don’t work on someone you’re taking care of?

Jairo and I have our way of dealing with this which is pretty obvious yet harder than it sounds. We just tell each other what we need. For example, Jairo told me that he really needed flax seed tea. Weirdo. I, on the other hand, have often been sick with stomach aches here in Ecuador and I always ask for sprite. It’s harder than it sounds, first of all to ask for something when you know the other person thinks you’re crazy, and even harder to give the person what they need without slamming their upbringing and making it obvious you think that they’re crazy.

I think it comes down to a matter of respect and swallowing your pride. The respect you have for your spouse means that you recognize that it’s very possible that their way of doing things works for them, and you do what you can to provide whatever it is that they need. The swallowing your pride comes in by realizing that your way isn’t the only way, and another way could even be superior to yours.

A large part of marriage, I think, is learning as much as you can about the person you’re married to, and realizing that you will always have more to learn. Marriage is about making your spouse feel accepted and safe with you, and you can’t do that by lying to them. You have to be open and honest, while preserving respect for that person. For us, it looks something like this: “Oh really? That’s funny; where I’m from we do the opposite! Does what you said really work? Wow!”

You can be honest about the things that weird you out without having to hurt the other person, and the benefit is that for next time, they know that you’re different in that area and are more likely to understand you, too, and to trust you enough to tell you more about themselves. Even though you’re married to that person, you don’t have a free pass to make them feel inferior, or to be yourself to such a point that you never improve your flaws and become a better person. I think a characteristic of a good marriage is that the husband and wife are always helping each other grow and excel, and there is always forward motion. And I think it’s never too late to start doing that.